


Calculated Insanities

by Mollz



Series: Calculated Insanities series [1]
Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Beware inconsistant updating, Gen, Not Slash, Odin is a dick, Thor is a dick, sciencebros
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-02
Updated: 2013-09-16
Packaged: 2017-12-04 01:20:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 15
Words: 28,455
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/704841
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mollz/pseuds/Mollz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Most people take calculated risks. Tony Stark takes calculated insanities. </p><p>Like telling the God-King Odin to shut up. </p><p>Like trying to find warmth in a spy with a heart colder than Russia in winter.</p><p>Like trying to learn magic when no human's learned it in god knows how long.</p><p>...Like finding the God of Chaos in a crater in Russia, and deciding to help him out.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Tony Stark doesn't take crap from anyone, even gods.

It was supposed to be a “cultural exchange”. Meeting the Asgardians, extending the hand of friendship in the name of humanity.

In retrospect, it was probably a bad idea to send Tony along.

But Tony had been so ready to be nice. He’d been respectful to the King, he’d complimented the food and the architecture, he’d been on his best behavior. He was trying to prove that he could be the responsible adult Steve seemed to expect.

But it was just so damn hard, because the Asgardians were making no such effort.

Everyone he talked to looked down on him like he was a child. His compliments were met with smug smirks, his respect seemed only to make them feel superior, and everywhere he went, people were rude.

What was more infuriating was that Thor didn’t even notice. Tony had tried to bring it up, but Thor waved it away as “nonsense”. At first, Tony thought that maybe he was misreading the situation. But he saw the way Thor was received, and the difference was staggering. His next thought was that Thor was really just that blind and oblivious, and wanted to believe the best of people.

The alternative did not occur to him until much later. Because how could you even begin to suspect that? He wasn’t good at trust, but he trusted that his team respected, you know, his species.

On the day they left, there was a feast. And Odin stood up to say his piece.

Every new word just made Tony angrier. He droned on and on about the importance of reaching out to brothers, but there was such an undercurrent of near-hostile condescension that finally Tony just couldn’t take it anymore.

“Humans are like Asgard’s children, and of course we will always be there to help protect them from the other realms.” Odin said.

Tony stood up. He didn’t really want to argue with the king. He just wanted to step out of the hall so he didn’t punch anything.

“Mister Stark? Is something wrong?” Odin called. Everyone turned to look at him. Natasha facepalmed.

“Nothing, nothing’s wrong.” Tony said, smiling through gritted teeth.

“Why don’t you sit back down, then, and continue enjoying the feast?”

“I’m sorry, sir, I just need to step out for a minute...” Tony gestured towards the nearest door.

“No, sit back down.” Odin said.

Tony looked at him, and then at Thor, who seemed utterly unconcerned, and then at his team. Steve looked concerned, and Natasha and Clint were both braced as though expecting the worst.

“I’m sorry...sir...I think it’s best if I leave. Now.” Tony said, very slowly. The hall had grown quiet.

“I said, sit back down, Mister Stark.” Odin said, and there was an edge to his words.

Tony had given up on getting out of this cleanly.

“No, that’s it, I’m done.” Tony said. He pushed in his chair. “I’m sorry, guys, I’m done.” He really was sorry. Clint gave a slight tilt of the head, which might have been acknowledgement of Tony’s good behavior, he wasn’t sure. “I can’t just sit here and listen to him call my entire species wimpy crybabies. I wanted to leave quietly, you all saw it.”

“Tony...” Steve said quietly.

“Mister Stark...” Odin said, dangerously.

“No.” Tony said, turning to face him. “I will not sit down. I have been nothing but respectful, and you people treat me like shit. Humans are not children, we are not inferior to you, we fought off an entire army of Chitauri without your help. You couldn’t even keep one person locked up. You may be a king, but you are not my king, and I don’t need your permission to leave like this is high school and you’re hoarding the bathroom passes.”

“I do not allow people to speak to me in this manner.” Odin growled, also standing up. “Do not proceed under the impression that the regard of my son will spare you from the consequences of what you say.”

“Are you fu-are you kidding me?” Tony asked him, heatedly. “I don’t need Thor’s help. I don’t need to hide behind an Asgardian just because you think you’re better than us. I’m saying this now, because I want to, consequences be damned. You can’t get away with treating us like shit. We are not beneath you. And I will not sit down and listen to your condescension, because frankly, that would be betraying my species.”

“Do not dare to-“ Odin began, but Tony got up and left the hall.

Tony waited on the bridge for a while. He expected the others to stay in there for a few more hours, but in 30 minutes they had all come to the bridge.

Thor said nothing. He just stared hard at Tony, as if trying to make him realize something.

Tony turned firmly away. They were transported back to Earth.

* * *

 

“That was unacceptable behavior.” Thor thundered. “Odin is the king of Asgard, he is not to be treated like-”

“Do you think humans are inferior to you?” Tony asked loudly, staring him in the eye.

Thor spluttered angrily. “I...the cultures are very different, I have a different perspective from-”

“Do you think humans are inferior to you?” Tony repeated. “It’s a simple question. Do you think humans are inferior to you?”

“Asgard is more advanced, technologically. We have had thousands of years more time than you to develop. We were once like you.”

“So, yes.” Tony said. “You used to be stupid, like us, but you grew out of it.”

“Do not twist my words-”

“I’m not twisting anything. You’re just like him, you think we’re _cute_. Sentience is not some adorable trick we perform for your amusement. I am not a trained dog, and I will call out any king or god of whatever who acts like I am.”

“Just because we acknowledge that we are more intelligent while you refuse does not mean we insult you!” Thor said heatedly.

Even Steve looked shocked at that.

“Hey...” He said. “Let’s calm down, here...”

“More intelligent?” Tony asked. “ _More intelligent?_ Tell me, Thor, how does a car work?”

Thor scowled. “I do not spend my time analyzing the quirks of Midgard.”

“No, you’re right. How does a battery work? Surely you know that, being so vastly superior to us lowly humans. No? How does a lightbulb work, Thor?”

“You ask only what you know I cannot answer!” Thor said. “How does my hammer work, Stark?”

Tony straightened up and looked him dead in the eye.

“There’s a layer of passive protective magic which keeps it set in one place unless a person who meets certain guidelines activates it and calls it forth. There’s a sigil of electricity on the side which acts as a lightning rod and a spell of wind on the handle to account for flying.”

Thor looked flabbergasted.

“Oh, sorry, I wasn’t supposed to know that, I’m just a stupid human.” Tony spat.

Steve touched his arm. “Tony, how did you know that?” He asked.

“I developed a fucking anti-magic field, you think maybe I figured out a few things about magic?” Tony asked sarcastically.

“Have you contacted my brother?” Thor asked.

“No.” Tony said. “I didn’t have to, funny thing, I can figure stuff out all by myself, without help from you or Loki or any of the other so-called gods.”

“Do not disrespect my species-“ Thor began.

That was when Tony finally snapped.

“Get out of my tower.” He said.

“What?” Clint blurted out. Tony ignored him.

“I’m serious.” He said, when Thor didn’t move. “It’s my tower, and I want you out of it. You have one hour to pack your things and leave, and then I’m fucking kicking you out. You racist, hypocritical bastard. Use your superior Asgard mind to find somewhere else to stay.”

Tony stormed out before Thor replied, slamming the door behind him.

* * *

 

“That was childish.”

Tony was used to Natasha sneaking up on him by now. He grunted and didn’t look up.

“You alienated one of our friends, and made a potential ally into a potential enemy.”

He kept stubbornly silent and finished his glass of scotch.

“As a SHIELD agent, I’m inclined to call in Fury to convince you to change your mind.”

“Try it, see what happens.” Tony muttered darkly.

“But I want to thank you for standing up for the human race.” She said.

He glanced up, sharply. Her tone was neutral, and her face showed nothing, but something about the way she was standing, possibly because he’d spent so much time around her, possibly because he was insane, felt warmer than usual.

“You’re welcome.” He said.

She nodded, and went to the minifridge. She pulled out a bottle of vodka, settled into a chair, and began swigging it rather ungracefully.

He gave her her peace and quiet. They sat like this, drinking in silence, for a long time.

“Steve will be upset in the morning.” She said finally. “But he’ll go easy on you. He was shocked by what Thor said, we all were.”

Tony nodded and threw back another glass.

“Banner is still in the Middle East, but he’s always on your side. When he comes back I doubt there will be trouble. He might be nervous that you’re going to kick someone else out. He’s not used to having a safe place to come back to.”

“I would never kick Banner out.” Tony argued.

“Just make sure he knows that.” She said.

“What about Clint?” He asked.

“Clint thinks it was awesome.” She said, and wrinkled her nose. “He’s such a child.”

“Is he happy with the bow? Any improvements since last time?”

“He wants you to take laser targeting off the bow. He said if you could put it in goggles that would be better, but it only trips him up when he’s shooting.”

“Alright. Can do.”

* * *

 

Tony no longer felt any remorse for stealing books from Asgard’s library. When he had time away from the labs, he poured over them. He was sure to hide them from the team, not just because they were stolen, but also because of their contents.

So far, it had been slow work learning about magic. What reliable information he could gather was scattered among ridiculous stories and superstitions. His so-called “anti-magic field” was just a small speaker which used sounds just below normal hearing range to disrupt the concentration necessary to cast spells. Very low tech, and it only worked so long as you didn’t know how it worked. It was basically just a headache machine, on the premise that people can’t cast magic when they have headaches.

He didn’t want the team to know how much he was obsessing over this. Steve already thought the whole thing was unhealthy. But damnit, it was like a whole world of information, a new set of rules to the universe, were being dangled in front of him. He was not the kind of person who could just swat that away.

No matter how hard he prayed, though, the books weren’t much help. They assumed and relied on the reader’s prior knowledge of the basics of magic, knowledge Tony didn’t have...yet. The only useful information he’d gained had been about Thor’s hammer.

Some combination of insanity, the debacle with Thor, sleep deprivation, and the grip of obsession and frustration made him do something that was absolutely, categorically unreasonable.

He started looking for Loki again.

 


	2. Tony Stark is a master of deception and bribery.

They had given up on finding him months ago. It was a slim chance that he was even on Earth in the first place. Scene of the crime, and all. Sure, there were a few people in SHIELD whose job was still to make sure there had been no new sightings, but there were also people making sure that the director wasn't a pod person. That was just what SHIELD did.

But for the next few months, whenever he was looking at magic, he began by spending the first few minutes searching for Loki’s signature. It was just a habit.

And then it was August, and a “meteor” struck down in Russia, and Tony’s sensors went insane, and there was all of 20 minutes between the news and flying away.

He landed where the smoke was thickest. He could hear alarms and sirens, and the sounds of crying and screaming. He slowly approached the crater, and looked down. There was nothing-no sign of a meteor, but no signs of anything else, either. It was just a crater.

An old woman grabbed his arm and began speaking desperately in Russian.

“Hey-I’m sorry-I don’t-“ Tony said, flipping his mask up. He couldn’t understand her. He didn’t speak Russian. He needed Natasha here.

“Sir?”

“Jarvis, what is it?” Tony asked.

“Sir, I know some Russian, if you would like me to translate.”

“Yes, thank you, Jarvis.” Tony said, relieved.

Jarvis listened to her for a moment, and then began speaking in English, mirroring the woman’s cadence and tone as closely as possible.

“Help, please, god, help us. Come. Come. Come. Come this way, please.”

Tony nodded at her, and she grabbed him and led him away.

She took him into a house nearby. It was badly damaged, it must have been damaged in the crash, but it didn’t seem to be about to fall in on him.

She pushed him into a bedroom. It was very basic and poorly furnished, but the lights still worked. Tony saw what she was pointing him at.

On the bed, there was a bleeding, shaking, nearly unconscious figure. He was breathing rapidly, and holding his chest tightly with both arms, as though afraid it would spill out. His pale skin was made even paler with perspiration.

“Loki.” Tony breathed. He took a step forward, but the old woman grabbed him again and began shouting anew.

“Don’t hurt him!” Jarvis translated quickly. “He saved us.”

“What? What do you mean, saved you?” Tony asked her. He hadn’t expected Jarvis to translate that, but Jarvis did anyway. It was strange for Tony to hear his own voice, speaking Russian.

“He saved us from the monsters.” She replied fiercely. “The creatures from the sky. When he fell, they appeared and began destroying, but he forced them away.”

“Creatures from the sky.” Tony said softly, to himself. “Show me.” He said louder, to the woman. Jarvis dutifully conveyed it.

She pulled him back out of the house, to an area which had been obscured by smoke.

The bodies of eight Chitauri lay in the dust, burned to a crisp.

“He did that?” Tony asked her.

“He was already hurt.” She said. “He shouted to get away, and he made fire with his hands and stopped them. It was too much. He is dying. You must save him, metal man.”

“I will.” Tony said.

They went back into the house, and Tony went to Loki’s side. He took the helmet all the way off.

“You still in there, Reindeer Games?” He asked quietly.

Loki gasped and shuddered, although that probably wasn’t because of Tony. His eyes cracked open to slits.

“Stark?” He slurred slowly.

“The one and only.” Tony said. “You think you can survive for another hour?”

“Will my death be...more convenient...in an hour?” Loki mumbled, through the little gasps of pain.

“If you’re okay enough to snark, you’ll be fine.” Tony asserted. “Come on, don’t get blood all over the nice woman’s sheets. The tower is about an hour’s flight away if I’m going at speeds that won’t kill you.”

“Joy.” Loki gritted out.

Tony put the helmet back on, and gently, delicately, lifted Loki up in his arms.

“He’ll be alright.” He told the woman, and Jarvis translated it.

“Thank you, metal man.” She said fervently.

He nodded, and walked out of the house. He eased his way back into the sky.

At first, he was afraid to go too high, for fear of giving Loki hypothermia. But the colder it got, the less the god seemed to mind. They got to a little under freezing, and Loki seemed to be a little more stable.

It did take around an hour, but Tony got Loki back to the tower in one piece. He didn’t bother to disassemble, just carried Loki to the med bay in the suit. He laid him down on the bed, and just stood there for a moment, considering the situation.

Loki did not seem on the verge of death, so Tony thought it was probably safe to take the suit off, and find some proper medical supplies. He did those things, and then returned to Loki. He was unconscious now, but his breathing was beginning to steady, so Tony didn’t worry too much. He attatched the heart monitor, then began assessing Loki’s wounds.

They were deep, and bad, and looked extremely painful. Right.

“Jarvis, tell Banner to get his ass in here.” Tony said finally. “I am in way over my head.”

“Very good, sir.” Jarvis said.

In a few minutes, Bruce appeared in the doorway. “Tony? Are you injured?” He asked.

“Not me.” Tony said. “Come here, be a doctor for a minute.”

Bruce approached the bed, and then froze in place, almost comically. He turned and just looked at Tony.

“Meteor in Russia.” Tony said shortly. “I’ll figure out how to restrain him when he’s not about to die. Trust me, Bruce.”

Bruce looked like he was having serious misgivings about Tony’s sanity, but still did as he was asked. That, Tony decided on the spot, was the best thing about Bruce.

Bruce worked in silence for a long time, swabbing the wounds and cleaning off the blood, prodding things to make sure they weren’t broken, and finally wrapping everything up in bandages.

“This is going to end badly.” He said calmly. “Tell me again where you found him?”

So Tony explained about the meteor, and his sensors, and the woman and the burned Chitauri and Loki bleeding out on someone’s bed. Bruce listened to it all.

“This is going to end badly.” He said again, still calm.

“Maybe he’ll thank me for saving his life.” Tony argued.

“Maybe he’ll wake up confused and kill us all before he knows where he is.” Bruce replied.

“I put it about 50/50.” Tony agreed. “Jarvis, tell me if he wakes up. And, uh, you probably shouldn’t let Barton or Romanoff or...Fury or anyone in here. Bruce, my good man, let me buy you lunch. Or a restaurant. Whichever you want.”

This did elicit a smile out of Bruce. They went out to get lunch. Tony was ultimately dissuaded from buying the restaurant.

* * *

 

Loki had not woken by the time they got back to the tower, but that didn’t mean Tony was in the clear. Director Fury was in the commons, and looking none too pleased.

“So tell me, Stark.” He growled. “Just what were you doing in Russia?”

Tony blinked, set his brain to autodrive, and started talking before he’d realized he had a lie ready.

“There was a giant-ass meteor collision, and my sensors were going fucknuts over it. I went to check it out.”

“And what did you find?”

“Same as you did, I imagine.” Tony said, shrugging. “Eight Chitauri who obviously died in the crash. I asked around to see if there were any more, but...Jarvis had to translate for me, so I’m not sure I got real answers. Everybody said those 8 were it, though.”

“And did you take anything from the crash site?” Fury asked. “Anything SHIELD might have had an interest in?”

Tony sighed and raised his eyes up, unwillingly. “Alright.” He said. “In my defense, it was nothing SHIELD didn’t already have from the battle of New York City, and I’m not going to turn it into lasers or whatever, I just wanted to see how their stuff worked because you kept taking it away from me-“

“I’m not talking about equipment.” Fury said.

“What? What else would I take?” Tony asked, furrowing his brow in confusion.

“Our operatives said they traced a signal we associate with Loki.”

“Loki?” Tony asked. “What, yeah, I got that signal too, that’s why I went in the first place. But if he was there, he was gone when I got there. Anyway, I’m starting to think that signal is actually the Chitauri’s magic. They’re the ones who gave him that scepter in the first place, right?”

Fury stared at him hard for a moment.

“Go back to your knitting.” He said. Tony watched him walk out the door, and then waited until Jarvis gave him the all-clear.

“He is out of the building, sir.” Jarvis said.

“Thanks, J.” Tony said. He turned to Bruce. “You wanna go check on our resident god?”

“You are too good at lying.” Bruce said. “Natasha good.”

“Well doesn’t that just warm the very cockles of my heart.” Tony said, slinging an arm around Bruce’s shoulder. “Keep sweet talking me like that and I’ll have to buy you new equipment.”

“You did that already.” Bruce reminded him, amused.

“A new coffee machine, then. No, they’re all rubbish, I’ll just build you one myself.”

“I don’t drink coffee, Tony.”

“Right, so it’ll make tea.”

Bruce shook his head and smiled.


	3. Loki Lie-smith is the god of fire.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter is short, I was going to combine it with the next one, but the next one's long on it's own, so I split it up.

Loki woke up slowly. He didn’t know where he was. His chest didn’t hurt. He could remember pain and blood and the great cracking sound of broken ribs, but his chest didn’t hurt. He couldn’t have slept for long enough to heal it.

There was a beeping noise nearby. What was that? An alarm? It was a quiet one, if so.

But, no, _there_ was the alarm, a deafening...alarming noise. A great thundering siren from overhead.

He heard shouting and shooting and growling from the right of him.

He realized that he was in handcuffs, and made his wrists insubstantial. The cuffs fell right through.

He opened his eyes. He saw the ceiling. He was in a bed, made for utility and not comfort. He was on his back. To his left was the beeping. Above him, the siren. To the right of him, some kind of battle.

He slowly lifted himself up on weak and shaking forearms, and felt a strange stiffness in his chest. He looked down and saw bandages wrapped around his torso.

He managed to slowly shift onto his side, so he could see the battle.

There were Chitauri, four of them. The beeping behind him grew faster, as if sensing his fear. A man stood facing them, a human. He had a gun, but it didn’t seem to be working very well against them. He was dodging their blows with shouts of adrenaline and fear.

The gun clicked as he ran out of bullets. He threw it to the side and started backing away.

Loki concentrated on his magic. The beeping grew faster as the Chitauri neared him.

“Lie-smith.” One of them spat.

A fireball exploded outwards from his hands. All four of the Chitauri were caught in the blast. The human dove for cover.

The deafening alarm overhead shut off. There was only silence, and the quick beep-beep-beep of the machine.

Loki shorted it out with a touch.

The human was breathing very fast, but clearly struggling to slow it down. He dragged himself to his feet.

“H-hey.” He said, clearly trying to pretend his voice wasn’t shaking. He brushed himself off.

“Stark?” Loki asked, staring wearily. He felt exhausted. He had already used too much energy.

“O-oh good.” The human coughed loudly and straightened his pose. “You remember me.”

“Where am I?” Loki asked. He sat up, clutching his head as it spun against his will.

“Infirmary, Avengers Tower.” Stark said. “You crashed in Russia, I got there before SHIELD did. You’ve been asleep for most of the day. You were hard to wake up, which I guess is good, those guys must have been waiting for you to come to.”

Loki remembered the fall. The fires of entering the atmosphere, trying to curl up into a ball to minimize the damage, using some of the last of his magic to shield himself in whatever small way he could manage.

He had to leave. They had already found him twice now on this planet. He had to keep moving, and get away, he couldn’t stop running or they’d get him.

“I have to...” He began. His head was swimming. He forced himself up and swung his legs over the edge. “I have to...”

“Careful!” Stark shouted. He caught Loki as he toppled to the floor.

“Get off me.” Loki said, struggling weakly. He could already feel his consciousness fading. He shouldn’t have spent himself so quickly.

“I have to...” Loki began again, but he couldn’t remember what he had to do anymore.

“Easy.” Stark said from far away. “Take it easy.”

His mouth was stuck. His eyes closed, and wouldn’t open. It was dark.

There was nothing.

* * *

 

Tony looked down at the now unconscious god in his arms, and groaned. He picked Loki up-he was really light-and put him back on the bed. He turned the heart monitor off and back on again. He reinserted the IV Loki had accidentally pulled out; he thought it was an accident, the god hadn’t actually appeared to notice it. In that state, it was no long stretch.

He had to find a weapon that he could carry on himself that would work against the Chitauri. He couldn’t wear his suit all the time, and he had the feeling that he’d be seeing more of them.

Fire seemed to work pretty well.

 


	4. Loki Lie-smith is the god of lies.

The next time Loki woke up, he woke up quickly.

His eyes snapped open. The ceiling stared back at him. He looked down at his wrists; no one had bothered to re-handcuff him. Good.

He sat up. He was still a little dizzy, but it was passing.

Footsteps reached the door, and it swung open. It was the ridiculous human again. Stark. The one with the smile that didn’t reach his eyes most of the time and the quick babble that served as a smokescreen from what he was saying.

Under different circumstances, Loki would have admired these qualities. But he did not admire them in a captor.

“Oh good, you’re awake.” Stark said happily. “I was worried Chitauri were going to burst in every time you woke up, that would get annoying after a while.”

He stepped over to the machine whose job was to beep, and inspected it. “Your heart’s doing good.” He said, and with a start, Loki realized that the beeping was in time with his heartbeat. That was an uncomfortable thought.

“I heal quickly.” Loki said.

“Yeah, the morphine probably didn’t hurt either.” Stark said. “I was worried about giving you human medicine, but it’s working fine, even I can tell that and I only have an honorary degree in neuroscience.” He took out a little flashlight. “Follow the light with your eyes.”

Loki raised his eyebrows, but complied with the silly task.

“No concussion.” Stark concluded. “Your brain’s fine, too. Just bones, I think. How did you only break bones, falling from the atmosphere? No, actually, real question, what the hell were you doing falling from the atmosphere?”

“That’s hardly any of your business, human.” Loki said.

“Oh, it’s human now, is it?” Stark said. “What, have you forgotten my name?”

“Who could ever forget you, Stark?” Loki asked, offering a sharp-toothed smile. “But you are a human, unless I’m very much mistaken.”

“Technically, yes.” Stark conceded. “Anyway, I’ve been called worse.”

“Where am I, human?” Loki asked. He was tired of banter. He needed to know what was going on.

“Don’t you remember? Infirmary, Avengers Tower. It’s a nice place, but I’m afraid you can’t actually walk around. Besides me and J, Banner’s the only one who knows you’re here, and Barton and Romanoff are probably gonna kill you on sight.”

“Only you and the beast?” Loki asked, taken aback. He had imagined that at least the other so-called “Avengers” would know.

“No, actually, you’re getting confused. Common, when you’ve been injured. The Hulk is a beast, Banner’s actually this really fluffy guy who tells morbid, deadpan jokes and eats lunch with me.”

“They are one and the same.” Loki said, dismissively. “And when am I to expect my...to expect Thor to appear? I may need to prepare another fire spell.”

The human looked as though he hadn’t even thought of that. “Thor? Jesus, I don’t know where the hell Thor is. I haven’t seen him in months. He’s not going to be around. I wouldn’t even know where to find Thor, he’s probably with his girlfriend or something.”

Loki was taken aback, again. This was a truly unexpected development. “Is he not a part of your group?”

“Not anymore, he’s not.” Stark said. “He lost his tower privileges. I kicked him out when I realized that he’s a magnificent asshole.”

“How long did it take you?” Loki asked, raising an eyebrow. “More or less than a week?”

“Four months, I’m ashamed to say.” Stark said. “I was fine with him eating all of my food, and I could tolerate the stupid weather whenever he was sulking, but then we took a field trip to Asgard and I realized what he actually thinks of humans.”

“You went to Asgard?” Loki asked, astounded. He hadn’t imagined humans would warrant such attention from Odin. The battle must have changed his mind.

“Yeah.” Stark said. “And I, uh, I don’t think I’m allowed back.”

“Ah.” Loki said.

He let sparks trail on his fingers while he considered his next move. Even if he wasn’t in pain, he could still feel his injuries, which were not nearly done healing. He was still badly hurt, and he didn’t want to face the Chitauri alone again, at least for a while. It might be best to stay put, let himself be taken prisoner until he had enough strength to force the issue.

“You’re really not going to tell me anything?” Stark asked. He seemed disappointed.

“As I said, it’s none of your business.” Loki told him.

“Damn.” Stark sighed. “I bet it’s a really good story. Hey, you hungry?”

Loki realized that he was starving, and slowly gave the affirmative.

“What do you want? Cheeseburger? Chinese food? Shwarma? No, never mind, you can’t have shwarma, that’s a team thing. Mexican?”

“These are all types of food?” Loki asked.

“Cheeseburger it is.” Stark said. “You gonna try to take something over if I leave for half an hour?”

“I’m hardly in any condition for that.” Loki said, irritated that he had to admit it out loud.

“Fantastic. Wait here for a bit, I’ll get you some food.”

The human left. After ten minutes, Loki found himself intolerably bored, and got out of bed.

He paced the room, inspecting everything. Most of the machines were clearly medical, but there was one attached to the wall which seemed different. He inspected it. The screen had numbers, up and down arrows, and little symbols. A fan, a snowflake, a sun...strange.

He pressed the up arrow, and the number on the screen rose. He pushed it back down again. He pressed the snowflake, wondering if it might begin to snow.

There was a sound like wind, and cold air came rushing out of the vent above him. That was interesting.

After a little experimenting, he managed to suitably chill the room.

Very satisfied, he sat back down.

A little waiting later, Stark returned. He threw a paper bag onto Loki’s lap. Trailing behind him was Banner, who looked nervous.

“Eat up.” Stark said. Loki opened the bag, and inspected its contents. There were long, thin strips of golden potato covered in salt, and a sandwich with very thick bread and a piece of meat inside. He took a hesitant bite. It wasn’t terrible.

“Honestly, Tony, he looks fine.” Banner said quietly. “There’s no need-”

“He fell from thousands of feet up.” Stark said.

“So did Thor, and he was alright.”

“Why are you wimping out on me, Bruce?”

Banner shifted his feet. “I’m sorry, Tony, I’m just really uncomfortable with this. It was weird enough when he was unconscious.”

“You don’t have to give him a fucking colonoscopy, just check his wounds, okay? I’m not a doctor, I don’t want to swing by in a few days and find out he got an infection and died.”

Loki paused in his eating. He swallowed and set the burger down.

“I understand that I’m a fascinating subject, Stark, but if you’re going to talk about me I would prefer you do it outside my earshot.” He said firmly.

“Sorry.” Stark said. “Bruce is gonna make sure you’re not dying.”

Banner sighed. “You owe me for this.” He muttered.

“I’ll get you new lab equipment.”

“You did that already. Twice.” Banner’s mouth twitched upward.

“Fine, what do you want?” Stark asked.

“Donate 1,000 dollars to poor doctors in Africa.”

“Right, 100,000 dollars to poor doctors.” Stark said. “Done.”

Banner smiled. He stepped around Stark towards Loki.

“You finished with that?” He gestured at the food. Loki pushed it away, sullenly. He didn't want Banner near him, but he didn't want to seem dangerous, either, lest he buy himself a more disagreeable cell. He grudgingly allowed the man access to his bandages.

Banner was quick and professional about it. He unwrapped the wounds, inspected them, sprayed them with a disinfectant that stung just a little, and wrapped it back up anew.

“Faster than you, slower than Steve.” Banner told Stark. “Before you ask how fast he’s healing.”

“Thanks.” Stark said. He put his hands in his pockets and grinned annoyingly.

“Some of that isn't from the fall, though.” Banner said. “Those are battle wounds.”

“The Chitauri.” Loki said, scowling.

"I still don’t understand that. Why are the Chitauri trying to kill you, anyway?" Banner asked, frowning.

Loki opened his mouth to deny him, but Stark spoke first.

"I thought it was obvious." Stark said, surprised. "He failed, they're trying to get back at him."

"But he 's in charge of them." Banner said.

"No he's not." Stark said, now throwing Banner a look of disbelief. "He was never in charge of them. What are you talking about?"

"Tony, he led the invasion." Banner said.

"He-you're kidding. Tell me you're kidding."

"What?" Banner asked.

"No, seriously, Bruce. This isn't funny."

"Tony, what? He led the invasion. It was in the incident reports, I read them after I came to."

"No." Stark said. "Tell me Steve and Fury and everybody don't actually believe he was their leader." Stark looked a bit agitated, and dumbfounded.

Banner turned to face him. "Tony, what are you talking about?"

"Jesus!" Stark said. "I didn't-how is it not obvious? Even leaving aside how hard it is to make an army trust you blindly; he didn't give any orders, Bruce, he didn't direct them, he didn't even seem to care what they did. The relationship started and ended with the portal. It wasn't a secret. He was never in charge of them."

Banner stared at him for a long time.

"I should go call Steve." He said finally.

Stark threw up his hands, looking incredulous. "Seriously?"

Banner let himself out of the room.

Stark still looked dumbfounded. He turned back to Loki as if remembering he was still there.

"It wasn't a secret, was it?" He asked.

"I did intend to make it seem I was in charge." Loki said slowly, feeling uncomfortable.

"My god." Stark groaned. He sat down heavily in a chair. "Also, why the hell is it so cold in here?"

"I adjusted the machine." Loki said, pointing to it. "I like it cold."

"You...used the thermostat? It took Thor weeks to understand the concept of a thermostat." Stark said, rubbing his face. "Ugh, never mind. How can you enjoy this?"

"Asgardians are very resistant to extreme temperatures." Loki said, defensively.

Stark just considered him for a few minutes. When Loki thought the conversation had ended, he spoke up.

"You're not Asgardian, are you?" He asked.

Loki felt a shock run through him, followed by a wave of dread. He struggled to remain composed.

"What makes you say  that?"

"You were always different from Thor." Stark said. "Really different. I put it down to you being the black sheep of the family. But I'm starting to think...well, he did say you were adopted."

"This is ridiculous." Loki said.

"I spent a few days there, in Asgard I mean, and they weren’t like you. They were all like Thor. They don't use magic for more than basic things. They don't like the cold. Really, just the look on your face is enough to go on."

"Be quiet, and cease making a fool of yourself." Loki demanded. He heard the beeping getting faster again and cursed it with all his heart.

"Jarvis, which of the races Thor prattled about is humanoid, better at magic, and used to cold?"

The ceiling voice spoke up. "The most probable would be the Jötunn, sir. Colloquially known as Frost Giants."

Stark turned back to Loki, grinning, but Loki had had enough. He grabbed Stark by the throat and jumped up, shoving him against the wall. Stark's eyes widened, and he stopped grinning.

"Be very careful choosing the next words you say, mortal, lest they become your last." Loki growled, clenching his hand hard enough to bruise the human's throat. Stark's hands jumped up, grabbing onto Loki's wrist. Loki left his hand there for a moment, keeping the air from Stark's lungs, before he let go.

Stark nearly toppled forward. He grabbed his knee for balance with one hand and rubbed his throat with the other, breathing in ragged, shaking breaths. He said nothing for a moment, then closed his eyes and straightened up. He calmly met Loki's gaze.

"That was rude of me." He said. "I should not have done that. I apologize."

Loki stared at him in disbelief. Stark had just been nearly suffocated, and now he looked completely composed again, and actually regretful.

Loki stepped back anyway, and nodded.

"Am I interrupting something?" Banner asked from the doorway.

"Nothing." Stark said.

"Tony, I thought what we had was special." Banner said. "How could you do this to me?"

"Baby, don’t be like that." Stark returned quickly. "You know you're the only science bro for me."

"If you're getting tired of me, say it to my face, don't just go behind my back with up-and-coming young supervillains."

"No, Bruce baby, he's no science bro, he's just a crazy god who likes to hit people right in the fucking throat, ow." He rubbed his throat again, gingerly.

Banner dropped the act and looked concerned. "Do you want me to look at that?"

"Just bruised." Stark said. "I'll be fine. I had it coming."

"Should I be concerned that you're exhibiting the first signs of an abusive relationship?" Banner asked. It was a joke, but the concern was still behind it.

"Seriously, I'm fine." Stark said. “It’s cute you’re so concerned about me.”

“Just worried about my stream of bribes running out.” Banner said lightly. “Steve’s coming over, we should go act like we weren't attending to a mass murderer.”

“Great idea.” Stark said. He smiled at Loki, who was still frozen in place, and waltzed out of the room. He shut the door behind him.

Loki sat down on the bed, trying to figure out what had happened. He had never seen anyone, human or otherwise, react the way Stark had done.


	5. Tony Stark already voiced your concerns to himself, earlier, and came up with a good response.

Steve was waiting for them in the commons. When he saw Tony, he looked concerned.

"What happened to your throat?" He asked.

"Auto-erotic asphyxiation." Tony said. "I'm kidding, I had an accident in the lab testing out a helmet. Jarvis stopped it before I got hurt, but I'm gonna have to flaunt this bruise for a few days."

Steve bit his lip, but nodded.

"Bruce said you had a different theory about Loki's role in the Battle of Manhattan?"

"Yeah." Tony said. "We had a break-in yesterday, four Chitauri, which brings the total up to 12. Don't worry, they're dead. But when Bruce and I talked about it, it came out that the incident reports say Loki was in charge of the army of Chitauri."

"He was." Steve asserted.

Tony fought the urge to roll his eyes and/or sigh loudly.

"Steve, think about it logically. Forget for a moment whatever connections you made in your head, and tell me if the guy who gave no orders, who didn't even pay attention to the fight, and who spent most of the battle engaging in personal vendettas, that's who was in charge."

Steve furrowed his brow. "He must have given some kind of orders..."

"None." Tony said. "He was within earshot of me, Jarvis, or Thor for almost the entire battle."

"Maybe he used magic." Steve said.

"Then why didn't everybody pause when he was getting pounded into the floor? Hell, Steve, why didn't anyone go to his aid?"

Steve thought about it for a moment.

"You're right." He said.

"Of course I'm right." Tony said.

"Who do you think was in charge, then?"

"I don't know exactly who." Tony said. "But considering their reaction, I probably blew him up."

"That makes sense." Steve said. "I'll pass it on to Fury."

"Tell him to pick up the Chitauri bodies, too. I don’t know what to do with them. Do I roll them in a carpet and throw them in a lake? Car compacter? I would be a terrible mobster. Should I send them to Area 51?"

"I'll tell him." Steve interrupted. He stood up.

"Hey." Tony said, suddenly sober again. "Are you sure you don't want to stay here, because I told you, I'd be more than happy to fix up a room..."

"Thanks, Tony, but I'm just not ready for that kind of immersion yet. I think I'll stay with SHIELD. You understand."

"Yeah, it's fine." Tony said, mentally kicking himself for being so disappointed.

"You've got Bruce and Natasha and Clint to keep you company." Steve said.

"Yeah." Tony said. He didn't mention that Natasha and Clint were gone during the day, and sometimes for days at a time, doing SHIELD work. He wasn't needy or pathetic enough to whine about that.

Steve left them.

"You alright?" Bruce asked.

"Don't go anywhere." Tony said. "You're the only fun person SHIELD hasn't stolen."

Okay, he might be a little pathetic. Sue him.

"Thanks." Bruce said. "Tony, you know, I couldn't help but notice that you still haven't restrained him in any way..."

"Steve? That's kinky, Bruce, but he's not really my type."

"You know what I mean." Bruce said, undeterred. "You have a god who tried to violently invade the planet just sitting in a hospital bed, and you haven't taken any precautions."

"Hey," Tony began, defensively, "I tried to handcuff him, and he got out without breaking a sweat."

"You developed an anti-magic field." Bruce said.

"Yeah, but..." He didn't want to say it out loud.

"But?"

"It's rubbish." He admitted. "It wouldn't work on someone like him. Low level magicians, sure, but he's the real thing. It's just not going to stop anything."

"Why?"

Tony closed his eyes tight, took a deep breath, and told Bruce how it worked.

Bruce looked incredulous for a moment. "An annoying noise?"

"A subliminal annoying noise." Tony corrected, despondently.

"I mean, the word 'field' brings to mind-"

"I know, I know, Banner, that's why I called it that."

"Is that why you wouldn't let SHIELD buy them from you?"

"Believe it or not, I'm not usually that contrary without good cause."

"Wow." Bruce said.

Tony nodded sadly.

"So there's nothing you can do." Bruce said.

"I can chain him up and handcuff him again, but honestly, I think that's just going to piss him off. And that is the last thing we need."

"Give him to SHIELD." Bruce said.

"I can't." Tony said.

"I know you don't trust them, but they're honestly far better equipped for this than you are."

"No, I can't." Tony said, with emphasis on the negatives.

"Why?" Bruce asked.

"I just...can't. Just trust me on this, Bruce, would you?"

Bruce sighed. "Fine. But if he kills me it's on your head."

"Like he could kill you." Tony scoffed.

* * *

 

"Sir?"

Tony looked up from the boot he was disassembling. "Jarvis?"

There was a moment's pause, as Jarvis hesitated. "May I ask...why are you hosting Loki?"

"Worrying about me, J?"

"I am concerned for your wellbeing, sir, and I do not think it is entirely unreasonable."

"Yeah, I got it, J. Pull up the readings from the infirmary."

"Sir?"

"I'm answering your question. Pull it up."

The scanner information came up on the screen.

"Isolate the readings from the fireball, getting out of the handcuffs, and the sparks he made when we were talking. In that order."

Jarvis dutifully displayed it.

“Oh, you see that?” Tony said, mostly to himself. He traced out one of the patterns with his finger. “We finally found a scanner alignment that reacts to magic. Get rid of the rest of them. Most of these were a long shot, anyway.”

“Sir, if you mean to imply that you are risking your life and the lives of those around you in order to feed your obsession with magic, I cannot condone that.”

“But I’m not risking anything.” Tony said. “He’s been peaceful so far.”

“He nearly asphyxiated you.”

“But he didn’t, J. Because he can’t. A single fire spell completely knocked him out. He can’t afford to really hurt us, because even if he could summon up the strength to kill me and then the Avengers trying to avenge me, then he’d have to fight the Chitauri on his own...and he’s not strong enough for that. He’s got a bed, food, and somebody else fighting his battles for just a little while. He’s not stupid enough to give that up.”

“That is a very large chance to take, sir.”

“But it’s not.” Tony said. “I get him, Jarvis. I get him in a way that SHIELD doesn’t, that Banner doesn’t. I know how it feels to have everything taken from you, to be afraid at the core, and to not show it, because fuck them, they don’t get to see. I know what it is to fight just so you know they haven’t taken your fight away. I know what that kind of desperation looks like, and he looks like that.”

Jarvis was silent for a long moment.

“Your nightmares are getting worse, aren’t they, sir?”

Tony felt his face fall, and the inadvertent smile fade.

“I don’t want to talk about that.” He said.

“I’m sorry, sir.” Jarvis said quickly. “I shouldn’t have pried.”

“It’s fine. I just don’t want to talk about that.”

“Yes, sir.”

Tony looked at the screens for a moment without seeing them, and then turned back to the forgotten boot. He silently returned to disassembling it.

Jarvis put on AC/DC as a peace offering.

When he was feeling a bit better, he said, “I don’t trust him. But I know him. He’s like me. We’re the same.”

“I believe the villains are supposed to point that out, sir, not the heroes.” Jarvis said.

Tony laughed. 

 


	6. Tony Stark is an insane human.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait! I'd say won't happen again, but I don't like to make false promises. I will make an effort, though!
> 
> (Forgive me if I mangle Norse Mythology too badly, I don't know the subject very well.)

“Oh good, you’re up to moving.”

Loki looked over from his examination of the wall screen. “Moving?” He asked, warily.

Tony shoved his thumb at the door. “Clint and Tasha are finally coming back from their mission, and they’re gonna want the infirmary. Looks like you’re healing fine, so I’ve got a guest room made up in the part of the tower nobody can get to but me.”

“Not that I’m complaining,” Loki said, crossing his arms, “but why are you so intent on hiding me from your compatriots?”

“Because Clint would have three arrows in you before you could blink, and Tasha would cut your head off while he did it.” Tony said. “They are scary motherfuckers.”

“And why does it matter to you that I survive?” Loki demanded. “Why are you so intent on keeping me intact? Within all reason, this should be a prison cell, or an execution.”

“Ah, see, the last time I was smart with you I got a bruise to the throat.” Tony said, cheerfully. “So I’ve no motivation to explain myself, do I? Come on, chop chop, don’t want to be intercepted by Legolas and Green Gables.”

Loki followed him, silently. Tony led him up through the elevator to the top floor it reached, then took the stairs to his most off limits lab. He could almost feel Loki’s eyes widening as they passed things, and grinned to himself.

“Here we are.” He said. “Doesn’t even have air ducts for Clint to scramble around in. Total lockdown for everyone but me. Even Bruce can’t reach this room.”

“And you trust me to be here, do you?” Loki asked.

“Trust you?” Tony asked, turning around. “Trust’s got nothing to do with it. You can’t afford to do anything.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Loki demanded.

Tony rubbed his throat pointedly and gave his best shit eating grin.

“Explain yourself, human!” Loki snapped. “Your silence will be met with more violence than any unfavorable answer.”

“That nearly rhymed.” Tony said. “Your silence will be met with violence. Huh.”

Loki just glared at him.

“Fine.” Tony said. “I’ll make you furious again. No sweat off my brow.”

He plopped down into the nearest chair and spun it in a circle once with his foot.

“You’re terrified of something.” He said. “That’s why you’re running.”

“Oh, bravo.” Loki said, sarcastically. “The wanted criminal is running from something.”

“It’s not Asgard.” Tony asserted boldly. “You’re not afraid of Asgard. You went there willingly enough. But you are running from something, and you’re terrified of it. No, you don’t show it. You hide it deep, behind fire and laughter and defiance. You won’t let them see it, whoever they are. Fuck ‘em, they don’t get to see you scared. Brave to the bitter end.”

Loki flinched at the “fuck ‘em”. He was not angry, but seemed almost mesmerized by Tony’s words. Tony struck onwards.

“That kind of desperation is rare, and I know it well enough to know that you _reek_ of it. Which begs the question of who it really is you’re running from. But let me answer my own question with another one: if that wasn’t your army, where did you get it, Loki? Who just gives out armies, and at what cost? And for a person in a position like that, what would be the cost of failure? Not death, you’re not afraid of death. You came to Earth of all places to escape, you don’t fear dying, or at least not as much as you fear what you’re running from. Something worse than death, then? What is that? Who is that powerful, that you fear him so much, that you feel like you have to hide even with him so far away? Am I close?”

“What are you?” Loki whispered, staring at Tony with something akin to horror.

“Human.” Tony said. “I am close, then. And so here’s the answer to your questions: you can’t afford to do anything to me. Because you know that SHIELD is protecting this planet, and that I’m protecting this building. This is the safest place you could find. And even if you did harm or kill me, it wouldn’t help you in the slightest; it would just sic more enemies on you. The Avengers, for starters. SHIELD. The human governments. It would alert Asgard to where you are, and that would probably alert the Chitauri. But I do not take advantage of that position, because I am a better man, and also because I’m using you for my own purposes.”

Loki just stared at him.

“Sir.” Jarvis said gently. “The super-villain comments might be less alarming if you made them less frequently.”

“Sorry, J.” Tony said. “I would make an awesome super-villain, though, wouldn’t I?”

Jarvis made a sound akin to a sigh. “Yes, sir.”

“Jarvis, how long would it take for me, by which I mean you, to kill the president of the united states?”

“Two hours and 23 minutes, sir.”

“Really? What about Fury?”

“Two hours and 23 minutes, sir.”

“All of China?”

“Two hours and 23-“

“And 23 minutes, yes. That’s just how long it would take for you to detonate a nuclear bomb, isn’t it.”

“Yes, sir.”

“You’re a smart, sarcastic son of a bitch, you know that Jarvis?”

“Thank you, sir. I live for your approval.”

Tony laughed. Loki still looked in a state of mild shock.

“What... _purposes_ am I being used for?” He asked, finally.

“I’m learning magic.” Tony said, cheerfully. “Well, I’m trying to. No results yet, but I’m making progress in stalling it out and detecting it. Thanks for the fireball, that was the best readings I’ve ever gotten.”

Tony pulled it up on a screen and gazed admiringly at it again.

That’s when Loki finally lost it.

“ _You’re trying to learn magic?_ ” He asked, throwing his hands up in the air.

“I stole some books from Asgard, but they all assume a basic working knowledge.” Tony said. “You know, if you’d like to help...”

“Humans cannot use magic.” Loki said. “No human has ever used magic.”

“Not so.” Tony said. “There are the odd stories. Even if the psychic powers are just mutations, back in the Norse days there were a few forgotten humans who could use actual magic.”

“Those are _myths!_ ” Loki shouted. “You...insane...” He was struggling for something to say.

“You’re a myth.” Tony said, stubbornly. “Thor is a myth, Asgard is a myth. Area 51 is a myth, psychics are a myth. I don’t buy that excuse anymore. Until I’ve seen hard evidence, everything could happen.”

“You’re insane.” Loki said firmly.

“I know.” Tony said. “Did it really take you this long?”

Loki sat down on the bed he’d been provided. He looked at Tony for a long time. Tony spun his chair a few more times.

Loki suddenly smiled.

“You want to learn magic.” He said.

“Yes.” Tony agreed.

“But you don’t know where to start.”

“Yup.”

“There’s no secret to it.” Loki said. “It’s not a trick. You just focus on what you want to happen. The reason people don’t learn it is that the first time, it takes up to 48 hours to produce anything. But when it does, it clicks. It’s there for life.”

Tony paused. “Really?”

“Really, Stark.”

“Why would you tell me that?”

Loki smiled wider, like a very suspicious cat.

“I told you that because I want to see what you do with it.”

 


	7. Loki Lie-smith is the god of chaos.

When faced with something which was incomprehensible, insensible, insane and unreasonable, there was really only one thing to be done: give up.

And that was what Loki was doing.

He had watched in horror and awe as Stark had led him into the depths of the building, not even hiding the fantastic feats of science and intuition they contained. He had listened to Stark casually extrapolate his darkest secrets, and joke with his machine about how easily he could destroy the world. He had looked on with disbelief as the human explained his plans to learn magic—despite the overwhelming evidence that not only could he not learn it, humans as a species were incapable. He had seen all this, and finally, stunned, realized exactly how impossible Stark was, and how insane he had to be.

And he had given up.

His approach to Stark wasn’t working. Logic could not touch him. Sense was a foreign instinct. So he had to change his approach: as the humans said, when in Rome, do as the Romans do. He was in this madhouse with the madman himself, the only thing left to be done was indulge him.

It must have been spreading, because as Loki explained how magic worked, for a moment he honestly believed that Stark might be able to use it.

Because this man who should have been dead ten times over, who laughed at danger and spent his days attempting to get a reaction out of the beast Banner, who had gone to Asgard and recognized it as it truly was; if any human could learn magic, it would be this man.

And if that was possible in even the slightest degree, he had to see it. Because he was the god of many things, but above all, he was the god of chaos.

* * *

 

The human didn’t act on it for a while. From the screen in his hidden room, Loki could see most of the building. He watched Stark have lunch with the beast Banner, speaking animatedly and waving his arms, while Banner looked on indulgently and smiled. He watched Stark spar with Clint Barton and Miss Romanoff, and drink with both of them separately. At one point, the good Captain appeared, and the group watched a movie. The Captain left, however, and never returned.

Most of the meals Stark brought him were bland, simple poptarts or oatmeal or rice and chicken, but every noon, Stark brought Loki some new sort of food to try. Most of the food was tolerable, and some of it was actually good, although he never said it out loud. Stark also gave Loki a small pad with thousands of books on it. It passed the time.

It took an embarrassingly long time for Loki to realize that he was fully healed, and could leave whenever he wanted. After a serious consideration, Loki banished the idea from his mind. It was not an uncomfortable situation. He would stay until he could think of a plan, somewhere else to go. Yes.

After two weeks, Stark made an announcement over the intercom.

“I’ve told you all personally, but just in case it didn’t sink in, I want to stress this: for the next four days, I will not be available. Ever. Unless something is attacking New York or the building is literally on fire, you do _not_ disturb my labs. I have a timer set to remind myself to eat. I have plenty of coffee and a cot. There is no reason to worry. But I’m going to be working on Jarvis’s inner circuitry, and if you interrupt that the building might actually explode. Also, Jarvis will be offline for the next four days. Don’t worry about him. We’ll both be fine. This has been a public service announcement. Tony out.”

Loki heard footsteps. He opened the door, and watched Tony walk past his room, into the only part of the building with higher security. The enormous room with fingerprint, handprint, eye-scan, DNA, and codeword protection.

Just as he was wondering how he was going to get food, a robot arm rolled up to him and nudged him with a backpack. He took it and opened it. It had enough food to last a week.

“Huh.” He said to himself. He set it aside, thought for a moment, and went back to his reading.

True to his word, Stark stayed in the room for four days. He finally came out at 3 in the morning; he was covered in sweat, and grease, and a little bit of blood, disturbingly. His hands were shaking and raw, and he looked absolutely exhausted. Loki, who had woken up when his silent ward went off, watched the doorway to see if he would enter Loki’s room—he did stop outside it for a moment. But then he walked away, back to his bedroom, with only a quick stop at the intercom to wake the building up to the news that he was finished. Loki didn’t need to watch the screen to know he would collapse as soon as he reached the bed.

Curious, Loki crossed his legs and closed his eyes, entering the meditative state. He reached out in search of magic, but found himself curiously repelled by Stark’s room. He frowned and resolved to look into it when he next saw Stark.

* * *

 

Stark slept for an entire day, and finally appeared at noon of the day after. He had scrubbed off all trace of grime, and was as clean as ever, with his normal idiot grin. He entered without knocking and threw himself into the spinning chair with a cheerful gusto.

“Why are you so pleased?” Loki asked, suspiciously.

“Do you want to know what I did while I was locked away?” He asked.

“So you weren’t adjusting your machine?” Loki asked, although that he had already guessed.

“Oh, no, I did that too. But first I taught myself this.”

Stark held out his hand, palm up, and from it sparked an impossible flame.

Stark laughed.

 

 

 


	8. Loki Lie-smith does not understand Tony Stark.

“You...” Loki said, when he was done staring in shock. “You taught yourself magic in four days? You became the first human to-“

“Oh, no.” Stark said. “I taught myself magic in twenty seven hours. I really did update Jarvis the rest of the time.”

_Twenty-seven hours._ It had taken Loki months of practice before he could focus his mind long enough to learn magic, and then it had taken over sixty solitary hours of concentration to actually learn it.

“This has to be some kind of trick.” Loki said. “This does not make sense. _You_ do not make sense.”

“Loki.” Stark said, seriously. He let the flame die. “If my life made sense, I wouldn’t be alive.”

Loki felt frustrated. “Do you not understand what you’ve done?” He demanded. “Do you just not comprehend the scope of what you’re talking about?”

“I understand fine.” Stark said. “I’m human, I’m not stupid.” He seemed strangely defensive, which took Loki by surprise.

“When did I call you stupid?” Loki asked. “How could anyone justify calling you stupid? Insane, absolutely, you are the epitome of all that lacks reason and logic. But not stupid.”

Stark looked startled, and then laughed out loud. “Thank you.” He said. “You’re the last person I expected a compliment from.”

Loki almost protested, but realized to his dismay that he had, in fact, paid Stark a compliment. He recovered himself quickly. “It is hardly a good idea to antagonize one’s captor.” He said shortly.

“ _Captor_.” Stark scoffed. “You could leave in a heartbeat if you wanted to, don’t play that game with me. You’ve healed more than enough, it’s been weeks.”

“Will you attempt to remove me, then?” Loki asked, finally voicing his concern. “Seeing as I’ve now fulfilled my _purpose_ to you.”

“Okay.” Stark said. “We have to talk about something. I’ve been skirting the subject for the sake of our collective mental health, but we have to talk about this.”

“Talk about what?” Loki asked, with his stomach in his boots.

“What you’re doing here.” Stark said. “We need to talk about what this is, and why this is, because I’m pretty sure you don’t understand, and there are some things I’m not totally clear on either.”

“Please, just produce a sentence with meaning behind it.” Loki groaned, throwing the human an irritated glare.

Stark smiled bittersweetly. “Fine.” He said. “What do you want to start with, the person or thing that you’re running from, or why I’m letting a mass murderer camp out in my lab?”

That was an uncomfortable jolt.

“After you, human.” Loki said. He put a metaphorical hand on his magic, ready to leave the moment this got ugly.

“Okay.” Stark said. “I have been less than honest about my intentions. I haven’t actually lied to you, but I’ve omitted a few things I didn’t want to say out loud. Curiosity was a factor in all of this, I’ll readily admit that. It’s why I started scanning for you in the first place. But curiosity only takes you so far. What any reasonable person would have done the moment you started getting better...that path involves a lot of men dressed in black and some very shifty, dark-gray morality interrogations. And that’s well within reasonable. You attacked this planet. You indirectly caused thousands of deaths, and personally killed a man I respected.”

“But.” He continued, before Loki could slam the imaginary hand down on the panic button. “As you’ve noticed, I’m not the average person, and I’m not necessarily a reasonable person. To my endless discomfort, whenever I try to mindlessly blame you, I accidentally convince myself not to. I start off thinking about how much I hate you, and somehow I end up thinking about excuses. That’s how my mind works. I can’t hold a position until I’ve debated every facet of it in my head and found it seaworthy. And the position that you really are a murderous psychopath is just not sustainable.”

Loki slowly let himself relax, but not too much.

“Do you know the meaning of the phrase ‘under duress’?” Tony asked.

He did not. “Enlighten me.”

“It’s supposed to be a legal term, but I’m not sure what the technical definition is. To me, it approximately represents the idea of being under such extraordinary circumstances that you cannot, should not, be punished for your actions. If you steal a TV because someone put a gun to your head and told you to, you were under duress—it’s not reasonable to consider you guilty. Got me?”

“I believe so.” Loki said, frowning.

“The thing is, I’ve never seen you _not_ under duress. Every single thing I’ve seen you do was done with the knowledge that your life was in danger when you did it.  And that strikes down most of the evidence I have that you’re less than benevolent. And then comes the logical next thought, which is, isn’t it still evil to do so much damage just to keep yourself safe? But that’s much easier to strike down, if personally more painful, because I am not a fucking hypocrite, unfortunately.”

“What do you mean by that?” Loki asked.

“I mean,” Tony said, “I’ve done a lot worse for a lot less. When it’s split second, when I don’t have time to think about it, when it’s driving a nuke into space or saving Clint’s ass, I do the right thing. But when I have time to think about it...I am amazingly selfish. Case in point: I killed easily twenty times the people you did...for money. Not as part of a plan. Not because it would keep me alive, or even for the greater good. I killed them so I could have more shit and live a pampered, unfair life. And I’ve stopped now, I look back and shudder at that, but I’m still that guy. That wasn’t someone else. That Tony is not fundamentally different from me, as much as I wish he was.”

Tony sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “So as not-awesome as what you did was, I can’t demonize you for it without thinking about how much worse that makes me. And that’s my ultimate point, in this rambling, stupid conversation. This is what I’m trying to say. I don’t feel like I can hold you responsible for your crimes, and without your crimes, all I know about you is...your brother is an asshole, your dad is an asshole, you’re very intelligent, you’re good with magic, and you’re in a lot of danger. That’s it. And I can sympathize with most of that.”

That was it. Loki had simply run out of stunned silence. There was none left in him.

“I don’t understand that.” Loki said. “I appreciate your stubborn refusal to see me as a criminal, but I don’t understand it. I don’t understand you. I cannot comprehend how you can exist in the same world as everyone else.”

“Thank you.” Tony said. “That’s the second compliment you’ve paid me today.”

Loki opened his mouth to argue, but it had been a compliment, and there was no point in denying it. Instead, he simply said, “You’re welcome.”

To Loki’s immense pleasure, Tony seemed genuinely taken aback. He recovered and grinned slowly.

 “Alright.” He said. “I’ve said my piece. Now paint me a word picture. Tell me how you ended up with an army.”

Loki sighed, but didn’t argue.

“You have a nasty habit of offhandedly uncovering secrets.” He complained. “Back in the infirmary, when you... _guessed_ your way to my race, that was unreasonable. It took me most of my life to find out, it’s not fair that you just knew it after a few hours.”

“Find out.” Tony repeated. “Oh, fuck.”

“Indeed.” Loki said. “Thor wanted to go to Jotunheim, and fight the frost giants. When he didn’t listen to me about it being a bad idea, I tagged along to make sure he didn’t get himself killed. He nearly did, the oaf. He nearly got us all killed. But in the fighting, one of the Jotun touched me. It should have burned me with frostbite, but it didn’t. My arm simply turned blue.

Odin saved us, and he was furious with Thor. He nearly caused a war. Thor, who was just on the brink of becoming king, was banished instead. You know that story. I, meanwhile, snuck into the secret part of the castle which contained an object from Jotunheim, the Casket of Ancient Winters. I picked it up, and the magic which had surrounded me all my life was dispelled. This is not what I look like, this is passive magic. I discovered what I was. Odin found me, told me how he’d rescued the poor little abandoned Jotun boy in a moment of compassion, between killing hundreds of them. I was never to be important. Never to share anything with Thor. I never had a chance. If it were possible to seek peace, he would have revealed me. If not, I would have lived unaware, knowing only that I was overlooked for everything. That was my duty.”

“Fuck.” Tony said, with feeling.

“I became very angry.” Loki said shortly. “He became distressed. He was already weakening, and it pushed him over the edge. Thor was gone, Odin sick, and I took over as king. I did a very foolish thing, in an attempt to prove my worth. I would rather not say. But in the end, Thor and I battled. He learned what I was, and he was disgusted with it. He learned what I had done, and he was even more disgusted. We fought on the rainbow bridge, and I ended up on the edge.”

Tony leaned forward, waiting.

“He offered me his hand.” Loki said. “But there was nothing there for me. I didn’t take it. I let go. I fell. I fell, and fell, and fell. They thought me dead, but not quite. A monster discovered me. His name carries too much power to say. But he courts destruction and Mistress Death herself. He gave me an army and a job. I was to bring him the Tesseract. It did not go according to plan.”

“They never do.” Tony said. “So he’s after you, now. Because you failed.”

“If you fail, there will be no realm, no barren moon, no crevice where he cannot find you.” Loki quoted bitterly. “He will make you long for something as sweet as pain.”

Tony gave a long whistle.

“Dramatic son of a bitch, isn’t he?” 

 


	9. Tony Stark has the best platonic husband ever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nothing particularly important happens in this chapter, I'd skip it if I were you.

“Hey, big man.” Tony said, sitting down. Bruce looked up from his tablet and smiled.

“Tony.” He said.

“I gotta tell you some stuff. Come to my lab?”

“Sure.” Bruce said. He saved his project and reached for his cup of tea.

And then the window imploded.

Tony grabbed Bruce and dove behind the little island. “What the _fuck?_ ” Tony shouted, but some of it was lost underneath the unholy roar. Tony risked a glance over the edge, then quickly pulled his head back. There were at least a dozen Chitauri.

“Fuck.” He breathed. He looked down at Bruce, who was half underneath him. “Bruce, buddy, are you okay?”

“No.” Bruce said, through gritted teeth. He was panting for breath, and little spasms were shooting up all across his body. “Get away, Tony, getawaygetawaygetaway.”

Tony scrambled backwards. Normally, he would have tried to calm Bruce down, but the suit was too far away, and he had stupidly stopped carrying his little flamethrower after a few weeks of no Chitauri attacks.

As Bruce began to grow and shift, Tony realized that he was quietly saying _fuck fuck fuck_ under his breath like a prayer. He put a hand over his mouth to force himself to stop.

The Hulk stood up. Several laser weapons fired on him, but he just snarled and pushed forward. Tony watched, trying not to piss himself, as the Hulk beat back the Chitauri. It was short work. Soon, they were all dead. The Hulk turned again, snarling, looking for something else to attack.

Tony slowly stood up. Hulk focused on him, instantly. He raised a hand to strike, but stopped and lowered it again.

“Yeah, that’s right.” Tony said. “It’s me. It’s just me. They’re all gone, Hulk. You did good. You stopped them.”

“All...gone?” Hulk repeated, with some difficulty.

“Yeah. You won! You saved me. Thank you.”

Hulk grinned, and sat down. The floorboards crunched.

“Hulk good.” He said, proudly. “Smash bugs.”

“Yes.” Tony said. He ignored his shaking legs as he walked to Hulk’s side. He wasn’t afraid of the Hulk, really and truly. It was the sudden invasion of aliens through his fucking window that he was having a hard time getting over. “You did a really good job.” He patted Hulk on the arm. “But I need Brucie to help me with a really boring thing. Sorry.”

Hulk huffed, resentfully, but he did begin getting smaller. When he was approximately Bruce sized, Tony started talking.

“That’s starting to worry me, is that worrying you? 8 in Russia, 4 in the infirmary, and now another...14 through my window? I don’t know how they’re even getting here. I might actually call up Fury and ask him if he knows. Show of good will, you know, instead of just hacking the information. Hey, Jarvis?”

“Yes, sir?”

“Where’s my phone?”

“I believe it’s on the floor, sir, covered in your blood.”

“My...what?”

Tony looked down at his phone. It was covered in blood. He looked down at his hands. They were covered in blood. He slowly looked at his arms—no, one minor cut and a lot of bruises. His torso—only a bit of skin damage, and his shirt was soaking that up. His legs—still shaking, but the most intact part of him, not really wounded at all.

“Tony.” Bruce said. “Your face.” He looked groggy, but every second more alarmed.

Tony reached up and touched his cheek. It was wet. He reached around to the back of his head. His hair was damp, and already hardening stiff.

“Jarivs...” Tony said slowly, as he grabbed onto the kitchen island to keep himself upright, and okay, starting to seem like maybe fear wasn’t why his legs were shaking. “How much glass did I get to my head?”

“You should lie down, sir.” Jarvis said, and he hadn’t answered the question, that was a bad sign. “You’re losing a lot of blood.”

“Bruce.” Tony said, as he half sat and half tumbled to the floor. “Bruce.”

“...Bruce Banner, yes, that one, get a med team to the tower right now, Tony’s losing blood. I can try to stabilize him but he needs surgery.”

“Izzat my phone?” Tony asked, and hey, he was horizontal now, that was funny. What was he doing again? Wait, was that his phone? “Bruce, izzat my phone? D’you steal my phone?”

“NOW!” Bruce shouted, and Tony jerked. He had almost been asleep. Bruce slapped the phone down hard on the counter, and crouched down next to Tony. “Yes, I stole your phone.” He said. “I’m such a dick, right?”

“Mmhmm.” Tony said, sleepily. He was warm, and sleepy. Hadn’t Pepper always told him to get more sleep? He should sleep.

“Tony.” Bruce said loudly. “Stay awake.”

“Why?” Tony groaned, in a wheedling voice.

“Because there are a bunch of really pretty women waiting to serve you alcohol.” Bruce said. “You don’t want to miss that, right?”

That did sound fun. Was he flying? No, those were Bruce’s arms. Bruce was carrying him like a baby, or a bride.

“Are we married?” Tony asked.

“Yes.” Bruce said. “We’re married. We had a lovely wedding on the international space station. Remember?”

“No.” Tony said. “I don’t remember. Doeszat mean I gotta con...a cush...a cuncosh...”

“You may have a concussion.” Bruce said. “I need to pull the glass out. It might hurt.”

Oh, he was in a bed now. How did that happen? What was that beeping noise?

“I don’t hurt.” Tony said, smiling up at Bruce. Bruce looked worried, Tony wanted to reassure him. “I just feel really warm.”

“Fuck.” Bruce said under his breath. He held Tony’s head still, and took out a pair of tweezers. Tony couldn’t see what he was doing. Bruce tugged at something. The whole world was red. It was hurting. Bruce was hurting him.

“Tony.” Bruce said loudly. Tony realized he was screaming. No, it had to be someone else, because he couldn’t stop it.

“Oh, god.” Bruce said, but he continued ripping pieces of Tony’s skull out. Tony tried to stop him, but Bruce shoved him, held him down, and kept going. After a few pieces, he sprayed poison on Tony’s head. It felt like stinging and stabbing and the screams were kind of sobs now.

“I’m so sorry.” Bruce said. “It’s gonna help. I promise. I swear, Tony, it’s gonna help.”

Tony closed his eyes tight and just tried to breathe. He didn’t want to see Bruce anymore.

“Tony. Talk to me.” Bruce said. But everything was going away, and his head felt strange, like helium, and oh, there was a nice darkness...

* * *

 

“Tony?”

* * *

 

“His heart is unsteady but we can’t do anything, we don’t know how that thing in his chest will react.”

“Isn’t there anything you can do?”

“Just pray it gets better.”

* * *

 

“There’s a chance of real brain damage. I can’t tell you more until he wakes up.”

* * *

 

“God, Tony, wake up.”

* * *

 

...bruce?

* * *

 

Cold.

He was cold. Freezing. Everything was covered in goosebumps. So cold.

Why was he cold?

What was he?

 _Human_ , something said. It sounded confident.

 _Tony_ , it continued. That sounded familiar.

...eyes...

What was that? Eyes? Oh, eyes. He knew eyes. Did he have eyes? He must have. He was opening them.

He didn’t know this room. There was a beeping to the left of him, and it was annoying. He looked down at his hands—oh, hands!

There was a scar on his right palmhewasTonyStark.

The world shifted and snapped back. He remembered. It was never gone, just clouded over.

He was Tony Stark, awesome billionaire. He was in a hospital room. He touched his head. There were bandages everywhere. He could feel stitches in his cheek and aaaah, god, the inside of his mouth. He grimaced instinctively and winced, and then suppressed wincing again because that fucking hurt.

There was a call button on the heart monitor. He jabbed it with his thumb, and then a few more times just in case.

A nurse hurried in, took one look at him, and hurried out again.

“Hey!” He called after her.

He frowned and jabbed the button a few more times. Bruce entered the room not half a minute later.

“Please, doc, tell me I haven’t been in a coma for three years or something.” Tony said.

“What’s my name?” Bruce asked.

“Uh, baby or sweetie, depending on the vibe I’m getting.” Tony said.

“ _What is my name?_ ” Bruce asked more forcefully.

Tony blinked. “Jesus, you don’t have to shout. Doctor Bruce Banner.”

“How many fingers—“

“Oh, god.” Tony said. “Are you giving me a concussion test?

“How many fingers am I holding up?” Bruce asked insistently.

“My name is Anthony Edward Stark, some alien bug fuckers broke my window and I got blood all over my phone, the last time I was awake it was August 30/th, I’m in a super hero boy band with Steve Rogers and Natasha Romanoff and Clint Barton and you and not Thor because fuck that guy, and you’re holding up eight fingers, will you just calm the fuck down?”

Bruce nearly collapsed into a chair. “You’ve been in and out of five surgeries in seven days.” He said. “Don’t, just don’t make a joke of that. Please.”

“Sorry.” Tony said. “Force of habit. Wait. Seven days?”

“Eight, really.” Bruce said. “It’s two in the morning.”

“Have you been feeding, uh, the secret project in my labs?”

Bruce blinked slowly. “No.” He said.

“Oh.” Tony said. “Okay. Because, uh, I was feeding the project and I’m not sure what it’ll have done now.”

“While your concern is heartwarming, I have managed to feed myself for most of my life without your help.” Loki said, from the corner of the room. Tony was pretty sure he hadn’t been there just a minute ago.

Bruce closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “Cameras.” He said.

“No trouble.” Loki said. “I got them on the way in.”

“I was more worried that you would leave, actually, and run into attack of the bug fuckers reboot edition.” Tony said.

“Again, heartwarming.” Loki said. “I was a bit more preoccupied waiting to see if you’d die.”

“Right.” Tony said. “Speaking of me not dying and bug fucker reunions, how are they even getting to Earth?”

“Ah.” Loki said. “Well. It appears that each wormhole makes it easier to create another. Your machine helped me run the numbers, and they’re going to keep getting bigger until there’s a hole big enough for another army.”

“And there’s going to be another army, isn’t there?” Tony asked, taking a deep breath.

“Yes.” Loki said. “There is. A bigger army, with the, ah, dramatic son of a bitch behind it.”

 “How did no one notice this?” Tony asked.

“They did.” Loki said. “Your machine searched SHIELD files, there have been many other small invasions they’re keeping quiet about. The length of time between them is also decreasing.”

“Fucking SHIELD.” Tony said. “We should...probably do something about that wormhole thing, then.”

“Unless you would prefer your planet be literally ripped to pieces by a madman.” Loki said evenly.

“Yeaaah.” Tony said. “Not so much. Any ideas?”

“One or two.”

“So he’s being helpful now, is he?” Bruce asked, looking worn out as he leaned onto his elbow.

“Yeah, you could say that.” Tony said, prodding the little ball of magic in his head. He gave his best shit-eating grin as a flame sparked up from his hand.

Bruce covered his face with both hands.

“You taught him magic.” He said, in an almost despairing tone. “Why would you do that? Why?”

“I did no such thing.” Loki said, defensively. “I gave him a hint, and only because I didn’t think he could actually do it.”

“That was your first mistake.” Tony said. “Underestimating me.”

“I was not _underestimating you_ , I was assuming the rules of the universe applied to you!”

“Yeah, underestimating.” Tony said.

Bruce looked over at Loki. “I feel your pain.” He whispered loudly, probably joking. Probably.

Loki looked unsure how to react to that. He shook it off and turned back to Tony.

“I seem to recall some comment about you healing slower than I do.” He said. “How long, exactly, is this going to set you back?”

“Three weeks at the absolute, _Tony_ minimum.” Bruce said immediately. Tony opened his mouth to argue, but Bruce cut him off. “For anyone else, four months.” He said firmly. “I already adjust it ridiculous amounts for you, at least let it stop _bleeding_ before you try to leave.”

“We do not have time for that.” Loki said.

“What do you mean?” Tony asked.

“I mean, we do not have time for that.” Loki said. “At the current rate, the penultimate wormhole will form in a little over a month, and I don’t intend to insult you when I say that one week is not an adequate amount of time for anyone to solve this problem.”

“So what’s your solution, then?” Tony asked.

Loki sighed. “I would have preferred not to do this, really.” He complained, stepping forward. “Under any other circumstances, it would be an offense to even consider it.”

Tony felt something in his gut go cold. “What is it?” He asked, nervously.

“Never make me do this again, Stark.” Loki said darkly. He wrapped a bony hand around Tony’s arm.

There was a feeling like an electric shock; not painful, but terribly unpleasant. It wrapped up Tony’s arm and slithered through his whole body. Tony nearly gagged; it was _wrong_ , it was _disgusting_. He felt grimy and didn’t know why. Loki pulled back. The feeling faded, but left a cold imprint on him.

“What was that?” He demanded.

“Healing is a notoriously unpleasant form of magic.” Loki said. “There is a reason that Asgard still uses physicians instead of wizards. No, shut up.” He said, when Tony opened his mouth. “There will be time for you to ask annoying questions when you’re back in your labs.”

With that, Loki turned and disappeared into thin air.

“...So he’s being helpful now, is he?” Bruce asked, this time without so much disbelief.

“In his own way.” Tony said. “Um, I’m...not really in any pain anymore.” He prodded the inside of his mouth with his tongue, gingerly. The stitches were gone. “I think he literally healed me.”

Bruce silently began unwrapping the bandages around Tony’s head.

“What, no response?” Tony asked.

“There is no response.” Bruce affirmed.

“You know, I was going to tell you about the magic thing, but the Chitauri interrupted.”

“Sure.” Bruce said, evenly.

“What are you sulking about?” Tony asked.

“Tony, I think it’s time I finally tell you.” Bruce said, staring determinately at Tony’s bandages instead of his face.

“What?” Tony asked.

“I want a divorce.”

Tony tried to keep a straight face, but he was shaking a little with silent laughter. “W-why, Brucie?” He asked. “Where did we go wrong?”

“I don’t feel the love anymore.” Bruce said. “Sure, we have lunch, but you spend all your time with Loki, doing things like keeping the Earth from being destroyed. You never keep the Earth from being destroyed _with me_ anymore.”

“Don’t be like that.” Tony said. “Just the other day, you saved my ass from a bunch of window-breaking hooligans, with time to spare for spraying all the wounds with...actually, I’m pretty sure you just sprayed them with liquid pain.”

“I got the bottles mixed up.” Bruce said. “Antiseptic, liquid pain, they all look the same when you’re groggy from turning into a giant green monster.”

“Can we market that?” Tony wondered aloud. “Or put it in a spray bottle, use it on all the supervillains?”

“That’s a little _too_ cruel, don’t you think?” Bruce asked. “There are supervillains with too much integrity to use that, we can’t justify it. Steve would have a fit.”

He finished pulling the bandages off, rubbed at where one of the cuts had been, and backed off, satisfied.

“It wouldn’t have been so bad if you hadn’t also been ripping out pieces of my skull at the same time.” Tony said. “God, Bruce, I love you, but you ever heard of Morphine?”

“I’m so sorry, there wasn’t really time to make you comfortable.” Bruce said. “The fact that you were losing blood by the minute was very inconvenient. Could you have tried not taking the entire window to your face? I mean, I get that you enjoy windows and being hurt by them more than the average person, but it’s not a healthy habit to indulge.”

“That was a completely above board defenestration.” Tony said. “I was only about 30 percent sure he was going to throw me out the window. He could just as easily have tried to stab me.”

“Excuses, excuses.” Bruce mumbled.

They looked at each other, straightfaced, and then grinned, and then started laughing.

* * *

 

“Hey, woah, that’s mine!” Tony said.

Loki barely glanced up at him, disparagingly. “And?” He asked.

“Get off!”

Loki rolled his eyes, irritated, and continued with what he was doing.

“Jarvis, what the hell?” Tony asked. He attempted to take the computer away from Loki, but Loki’s hand flew out and grabbed his wrist, painfully tight. Loki tapped the screen with one hand, scrolling through a page of data with a flick.

“I am monitoring his activity, sir.” Jarvis said. “But in your absence he was the only one qualified to confront the situation. It was necessary to allow him a small amount of freedom.”

Tony jerked his wrist out of Loki’s grip, and rubbed it, glaring. It was sore.

“How do you even know how to use it?” Tony asked crossly. “They don’t have computers on Asgard.”

“They do not.” Loki said. “I adapt quickly, Stark. And it’s not a complicated system.”

Tony scowled.

Loki tapped a few things, and stood up. “I am not in the mood to spoonfeed you explanations.” He said. “This is the relevant data, it speaks for itself.”

Tony glared at him again, but sat down. He scrolled through it, stopping a few times to inspect a number or variable. The further he got, the further his stomach seemed to drop.

“Oh, fuck.” Tony said. “You really weren’t kidding, were you?”

“I do not kid.” Loki said.

The data did speak for itself, and the story it told was catastrophe. The wormholes were getting bigger nearly exponentially. Four chitauri, eight chitauri, sixteen...scattered, but all within a hundred miles of the tower...and coming more quickly, one after another. The incident in Russia was not the first one. They had been coming since the battle for New York had ended.

And it wasn’t hard to plot the line just a little further. Maybe they could handle hundreds. Maybe even a few thousand.

But it wasn’t going to stop at a few thousand.

“What do we do?” Tony asked, sitting back in his chair. He felt numb.

“We have to find a way to stop them.” Loki said, patiently.

“Yes, but _how_?”

“I have a few ideas I will need to test, but they involve magic. As proud of yourself as you may be, you do not understand magic the way I do, and there is not time for you to learn. What you can offer is your understanding of technology.”

“You seem to be doing fine with that.” Tony said, only a little childishly.

Loki raised an eyebrow. “It is a simple system, Stark.” He said. “It is a step up from the...thermostat in the infirmary. But I do not study this as you do. My instincts still lie in spells. Yours in machines.”

“Alright.” Tony said. “Fine.”

He sat quietly for a moment.

“What if I found the signal radiation—“ He began.

“Machine, summon the beast Banner to the labs, he is more fit to understand this babble than I am.” Loki said loudly.

“Indeed.” Jarvis said.

Tony stuck his tongue out, but turned to the computer and began tapping away, starting a simulation.

“Oh, Stark? One more thing.” Loki said.

“Yes, what?” Tony asked, already distracted.

“In preparation for the possible outcome of this, in which the army comes regardless of our toils, I feel it would be prudent to teach you more than a silly flame.”

“What, really?” Tony asked.

“I doubt it will change anything. But I don’t want to put all my hopes on a single plan.”

“Okay.” Tony said. “Yeah. That sounds great.”

Bruce came down, then, and Tony pushed Loki out of his mind.

“You said you wanted to help, right?” Tony asked. Before Bruce could respond, he said, “So, stopping the wormholes, my first thought is, what if we found the signal radiation...”

 


	10. Tony Stark works well under pressure. To a point.

**The Team.**

“Tony, you’re recovering from massive head trauma!” Steve said.

“Bruce gave me the all clear.” Tony said. “Modern medicine is a wonderful thing, Cap’n. I’m good as new.”

“Bruce?” Steve turned to him.

“He’s fine.” Bruce said. “We need the air support.”

Steve sighed, frustrated, but let Tony come along.

* * *

 

**The Plans.**

“What if we created a wormhole of our own?” Tony asked. “To somewhere else?”

“No good.” Surprisingly, it was Loki who cut in. “I’ve teleported twice since I landed, and each time there was a spike in the readings. Forming new pathways only helps them.”

“Could we try to go back through the wormholes, as a preemptive attack?” Bruce suggested.

“That’s how the last battle ended, and in case you were confused about that, it doesn’t seem to have stopped them.” Tony said.

Bruce sighed, frustrated, and turned back to the computers.

* * *

 

**The Lessons.**

“Your magic is personal to you.” Loki said. “It’s different from everyone else’s, like your iris. That’s why healing is so uncomfortable, it’s the invasion of someone else’s magic when yours isn’t working fast enough, and someone else’s magic will always feel wrong.”

“Like transplanting the wrong blood type.” Tony said, helpfully.

“...Sure.” Loki said. “Now, simple energy reactions are the easiest thing you can learn. Fire, electricity, wind. They don’t change anything, they just use the base components already in place. The next step up is mental magic. If I’m not mistaken, you’ve started on that.”

“I made myself a little checklist of the first five things I needed to know if I ever got magic.” Tony said. “Fire, disguises, blocking my mind, that handcuff thing, and dipping out.”

Loki paused. “Dipping out?”

“The books called it something else. That thing where your body is unconscious, but you’re just chilling around like a ghost, watching everything?”

“Unconscious projection.” Loki said. “Alright. How many of those have you managed?”

“The first four.” Tony said. “I can’t dip out yet.”

“Then that’s where we’ll start.”

* * *

 

**The Team.**

“God damn it, Clint!”

The archer stood up straighter, angry. “It’s not my fucking fault!”

“We needed you about half an hour earlier.” Tony snapped.

“I was at SHIELD.” He said.

“You’ve been at SHIELD every time the fighting’s broken out.” Steve said. He was more calm, but severely annoyed. “And you’ve been late every time. Both of you.”

 “What are you suggesting?” Clint asked. “I quit SHIELD?”

“Yes.” Tony said immediately.

“This has to be a cohesive unit.” Steve said. “It can’t be that if you two are SHIELD agents before Avengers.”

“That’s rich, coming from you.” Clint snapped.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Steve demanded.

“At least I fucking live here.” Clint said. “No, sorry, you can’t handle ‘immersion’ right now, the future’s just such a scary place. Every time he sees you, Tony offers you a room, and you turn him down, and he waits until you look away to pull out the heartbroken puppy dog eyes.”

“I do not!” Tony said quickly.

“I’ve seen that room, it’s gorgeous.” Clint said. “It makes mine look like shit. I’d think he had a crush on you if he wasn’t married to Banner.”

“Wait, what?” Steve asked, and turned to Tony.

“We’re not married.” Tony said. “He’s being sarcastic.”

“Hey!” Clint said loudly. “I’m busy being pissed over here.”

“Clint, if he doesn’t want to live here, that’s fine.” Tony said.

“No, it’s not fine.” Clint said. “He _needs_ to be immersed. The future’s never going to stop being ‘that scary place outside the door’ until he actually fucking lives in it! And I’m starting to get uncomfortable taking orders from a man I know shit all about.”

“Because how he takes his toast is the most relevant information in a combat scenario.” Natasha deadpanned.

* * *

 

**The Plans.**

“There’s a SHIELD agent tailing me.” Tony said as he stepped inside.

“What? Why?” Bruce asked.

“They think I’m up to something suspicious.” Tony said.

“Fair enough.” Bruce said.

“Stark, if you get yourself arrested, I will kill you.” Loki said darkly.

“Wow, I was really considering it until you said that.” Tony deadpanned.

* * *

 

**The Lessons.**

“I’m not sure about this.”

“You have to be unconscious for unconscious projection, Stark.” Loki said patiently.

“Okay, but I’m not sure about this.” Tony said nervously.

“Too bad.” In a flash, Loki had jammed the needle painfully into Tony’s arm, and pushed it down.

“Oh, you fucker.” Tony groaned. He felt the chemicals dizzying up his head, and tipped sideways.

“Concentrate.” Loki said. “Pull back from your body. Let go. Your body is just a tool you didn’t realize you were carrying, it’s time to relax your grip on it.”

Just before the darkness claimed him, he found the right thing to push on. His head cleared. He looked down at his body.

“Freaky.” He whispered.

“Indeed.” Loki said, unimpressed.

* * *

 

**The Team.**

“Where are they coming from?” Natasha demanded, frustrated. “There’s more of them every time. How long is it going to be until there’s too many for us to fight?”

“We’ll have to deal with that when the time comes.” Steve said. He was tired. They were all tired. The close shaves were getting closer, and the rests were getting shorter.

“Can we all agree that they’re aiming at the tower?” Clint asked. There were a few groans of assent. “Great. Steve, you have no goddamn excuse. This is where the fighting is happening, this is where you need to be.”

Steve opened his mouth to argue, but just said, “Fine.” in a defeated voice.

“Tony, you want to show him to his room?” Clint asked.

“No.” Bruce interrupted suddenly. “Tony, I don’t want you alone with him. I’m not accusing you of cheating, but I just don’t want you to follow temptation.”

“Bruce, honey...” Tony said, putting a hand on his arm. “You know I’m a one-science-partner kind of guy.”

“You mean that?” Bruce said. “Just me?”

“Just you.” Tony said.

Bruce smiled, and got down on one knee.

“Oh god, is this really happening?” Clint wondered out loud.

“Tony Stark.” Bruce said, pulling a ring box out of his pocket. “Will you continue bribing me with food and top of the range equipment?”

He opened the ring box. There was a microSD chip inside.

“Oh, Bruce, you’ve made me the happiest man in the world.” Tony said. “Of course I’ll continue abusing our relationship for the furthering of science.”

They grinned at each other.

“See, I warned you about this.” Clint said. “I told you they were basically married. It’s getting fucking weird.”

Tony and Bruce burst out into childish giggles. Tony had to sit down so he didn’t fall over. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Natasha smirking.

“Come on, I’ll show you to your stupid room.” Clint muttered, grabbing Steve and dragging him away.

* * *

 

**The Plans.**

“That was genius.” Tony said. “I thought the chip was a nice touch.”

“Thanks.” Bruce said. “I couldn’t stand Steve looking so upset. I had to do something.”

“I’m sure he’s properly confused now.” Tony said. “He’ll have to ask Fury about it later. Maybe Fury will explain Prop 8 to him.”

“Only if we’re lucky.” Bruce said. He settled into a chair. “Any new solutions today?”

“I’m working on it.” Tony said. He nodded at Bruce and turned to a computer. “Jarvis, run simulation 173.”

* * *

 

**The Lessons.**

“There are a few types of magic which are absolutely unfeasible.” Loki said. “All the races over millennia haven’t found a way to use them.”

“Okay.” Tony said, nodding.

“If you could actually manage any of them, though, that would be very helpful.” Loki said.

Tony grinned. “Are you admitting that I can do any impossible thing I like?”

“I’m not admitting anything.” Loki said. “But I’ve learned that you see the impossible as a challenge, and I’m using that for my own benefit. Just in case.”

“Wonderful.” Tony said, rubbing his hands together. “What’s this about unfeasible magic, then?”

“Alright. The first type: time travel.”

* * *

 

**The Team.**

 None of them spoke. They all just looked at the floor.

“This is bad.” Bruce said quietly.

“No shit.” Tony said. “We’re out an archer.”

“He’ll recover.” Natasha said.

“Yeah, but will he recover before we need him?” Tony asked.

“We need him now.” Natasha said.

They all looked at the floor.

There was a faint beeping in the infirmary.

* * *

 

**The Plan.**

“No, no, NO.”

“Tony, Tony, calm down, you’ll think of something.” Bruce said, trying to be soothing.

“I can’t.” Tony said. “I can’t, god, I’m sorry, Bruce. I’m so sorry. The world’s going to end and it’s going to be all my _fucking_ fault.” He kicked a chair. It toppled over.

“Just take a break.” Bruce said. “Natasha’s upstairs having a drink, why don’t you take a break and go talk to her?”

Drinking. That sounded okay.

“Yeah.” He said, shakily. “Yeah, I’ll do that.”

* * *

 

**The Lessons.**

“The second type: bringing someone back from true death.”

* * *

 

**The Team.**

“Tony?”

Tony looked up from his third whiskey. “Yeah, Steve?”

Steve looked uncomfortable. “Fury has offered...to track down Thor. We...we need all the help we can get.”

“...Yeah.” Tony said. They did need all the help they could get. “If you need me to swallow my pride...”

“He doesn’t have to stay in the tower.” Steve said. “But I wanted you to know.”

“Thanks, Steve.” Tony said.

Steve hesitated a moment longer. “I don’t know if I mentioned.” He said, lamely. “My room is really nice. Thank you.”

“I try, Cap’n.” Tony said.

* * *

 

**The Plans.**

“Natasha?”

Natasha looked up from her second vodka. “Yes?” She asked.

“If it ever came down to my word against SHIELD, who would you believe?”

“Why do you ask?” She asked him, suspiciously.

“Natasha. This is important.”

* * *

 

**The Lessons.**

“The third type is destroying or altering someone’s soul.”

* * *

 

**The Team.**

“Tony, what happened out there?”

Tony averted his eyes. “I just...froze.” He admitted. “I’m sorry.”

Nobody said anything else.

Nobody except Loki, a few hours later, who said, “Get some rest, Stark. You're useless like this, and I will not save your addled brain again.”

“I didn’t expect you to save it a first time.” Tony said.

Loki looked at him, critically.

“I enjoy being alive.” He said coldly. “You’re the last chance this planet has.”

“Thanks, just what I needed.” Tony snapped. “More pressure.”

* * *

 

**~~The Plans.~~ **

**~~The Lessons.~~ **

**~~The Team.~~ **

**???**

...handcuffs?

 

 

 


	11. Natasha Romanoff cannot be bribed with vodka alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Keep commenting, please, it's like a ray of sunshine giving me a high five. There is no better way to convince me to keep writing. :)
> 
> I can finally sort of figure out where the end will be, so that number of chapters shouldn't change...much. Around 14 or 15.

Natasha did not easily drop her guard.

It had taken years for her to trust SHIELD enough to sleep without a gun in her hand, and even then, she still kept in on the nightstand.

She knew she trusted the Avengers, to an extent. Having Clint with her certainly helped, and she knew that Steve put more stock in honor than Fury. But she didn’t know how much she trusted them. Not yet.

She was having a drink at Tony’s private bar. He didn’t let any of the others in there, but he didn’t seem to mind her for some reason. Sometimes, they talked. He was surprisingly serious with her, and she didn’t know why. But she drank at his bar, and he never reprimanded her, and sometimes she’d find a fresh bottle of her favorite vodka sitting on the counter.

She was just cynical enough to consider that this could be him trying to bribe her into being his ally, but not cynical enough to accept it out of hand.

She was having a drink at Tony’s private bar, and Tony walked in. His hair was smoking just a little, but he didn’t seem to notice.

“Hey, Natasha.” He said, and he smiled as he slid up next to her at the bar.

“Good evening.” She said.

He poured himself a drink, and got quiet. She waited.

“Natasha?”

 “Yes?” She asked.

“If it ever came down to my word against SHIELD, who would you believe?”

She looked at him. He was seriously asking. That was worrying.

“Why do you ask?”

He met her eyes unblinkingly. “Natasha. This is important. If it was my word against SHIELD’s about something _important_ , about something really big, whose word would you trust?”

She opened her mouth, intending to say, “Yours”, but then she stopped. She respected him too much to just mindlessly say what he wanted to hear.

She actually thought about it. Considered Fury, and Tony, and how she felt about each of them.

“I don’t know.” She admitted.

He nodded. “Thanks.” He said. He stood up again.

“Wait.” She said. “What’s going on, Tony?”

He spent a very conflicted minute looking at her, and then sat back down.

“SHIELD has been watching me.” He said slowly. “And I’m hiding something that, if they found it, it would make them think I had been compromised.”

“Tony...” She said, warningly.

“I know, I’m sorry.” He said. “I can’t tell you. It’s bad...it seems bad, at least. I’m afraid that it might get out, and if it does, I don’t know who I can rely on to listen to my explanation. But I swear to you, Natasha, that I have a very, very good reason. The best reason. And if you find out and still want to hear it, I will tell you.”

She searched his face, hoping to find some clue, but there was nothing.

“I’ll keep it in mind.” She said.

“Thank you.” Tony said.

* * *

 

“You’re sure this is real?”

“It’s real.” Fury said, grimly. “One of our operatives has been on this for weeks, he took it after the last battle.”

“You’re sure we can trust this operative?” She asked, because she had to be sure.

“It’s real, Ms. Romanoff.” Fury said. “We looked into it because we were getting familiar scanner readings from the tower and from Stark himself. The evidence is piling up.”

Natasha looked down at the photograph again. It was a crystal clear picture of Tony helping Loki Odinson to his feet.

“Can I trust you to bring him in?” Fury asked.

Natasha knew a trick question when she heard one. “I believe you should send someone else for this mission, sir.” She said, calmly.

“Good, I already have. Please stay on base, we may need you to speak with him later.”

“Yes, sir.” She said. She left his office, and walked swiftly to the range, hoping despite herself that Clint would not be there.

He was.

“Clint.” She said.

Thwack. An arrow hit a target. Thwack. Thwack. Thwack.

“Clint.”

Thwack.

“Look at me.”

Thwack.

She grabbed one of the wheelchair’s handles and spun him to face her.

“Clint.” She said, loudly.

“What?” He croaked. He was broken, but trying to hide it.

“Today is the day.”

Bless his little hawk heart, he knew exactly what she meant.

“I don’t know anymore.” He said. “I can’t...they think he might have been _in there_ , Tasha.”

“Think of Steve.” She said. “Don’t think of Tony. Think of Steve, and think of what Phil would have wanted.”

Clint winced, and looked at her with tired, mournful eyes. “Low blow, Tash.” He said quietly.

“I’m sorry.” She said. “But that’s the way it is. Are you done?”

“I’m supposed to stay, in case Fury wants...”

“No. I’m staying, that’s all he needs. If he wants you to be involved I can tell him off.”

“Thanks.” He said, really grateful.

“Go home.” She said. “You should be resting.”

He nodded and left.

She went back to her SHIELD quarters, and waited to be summoned.

* * *

 

“He won’t talk.” Fury said brusquely when she walked in.

“In what sense?” She asked.

“I put the picture on the table, and he hasn’t opened his mouth since.”

“What do you want me to do?”

“Convince him to say something.” Fury said, irritably.

She resisted the urge to sigh or roll her eyes. “I don’t think I’ll have better luck than you.” She said.

“Get in there, Agent Romanoff.” He demanded.

She opened the door and let herself into the interrogation room.

Tony looked up at her and frowned. His hands were handcuffed to the metal table, and he was sitting in a hard metal chair. He was intact, with only a few bruises from his arrest.

“Mister Stark.” She said.

He nodded at her. She sat down across from him, and studied him critically. His face was blank. He only looked a little tired, a little irritated. There was no fear or suspicion, nothing that should have been there.

“Would you like to explain yourself?”

He glanced over at the wall with the viewing room behind it, then looked back at her, impassively.

“If you can say it to me, you can say it to Fury.” She said.

He huffed an almost-laugh.

“That’s not funny.”

He just shook his head.

“You knew that SHIELD was going to catch you, didn’t you?” She asked.

He sighed. She took that as a yes.

“And you have nothing? No grand explanations, no talking your way out of this?”

He rolled his eyes.

“Mister Stark—Tony—SHIELD is a very powerful organization. It does not use enhanced interrogation techniques lightly, but this crime is of such a serious nature—“

He slammed a fist down on the table, at the same time as an unnervingly loud, entirely random thought flew through her head. _T-minus one week until the world ends and Fury is covering it up._

She actually flinched at the thought, and the moment’s feeling of intrusion that followed. She realized that to an outsider, it would seem like she was flinching at the loud noise. Clever Stark.

He stared intently into her eyes, and she got the impression he wanted to know if she had heard. She got back on track.

“...Of such a serious nature, that SHIELD may have no other options. I understand that this issue is time sensitive. You do not have the luxury of waiting until you’re good and ready.”

 His eyes flashed briefly, and he seemed to exhale a held breath.

_I did not have the luxury of picking my allies._

“This isn’t a joke, Stark. This isn’t playtime. You were harboring a war criminal, and if you at least admit that, and answer for it, there might be some kind of leeway. You could buy yourself some breathing room.”

_If Hitler invaded hell I would make a favorable reference to the devil._

She looked him in the eye. He looked back, face deadly serious, stone cold.

“What on Earth could be worth this?” She asked.

_On my life Natasha offer still stands a bottle of vodka and an explanation but not here._

He said absolutely nothing. She stood up, and turned back to the door.

“This is a waste of time.” She said out loud, for Fury’s benefit. She left the room.

“I’m sorry, Director.” She said.

He waved his hand. “Go back to your quarters.” He growled.

* * *

 

She couldn’t think properly in the heavily recorded halls and quarters of SHIELD. She slipped into a storage closet, and jiggled open the vent. Clint was the one who used the vent system, but she still knew a few routes from the times she’d gone after him.

She made her way to a small, forgotten spot of rooftop. She started thinking about things.

_If it was my word against SHIELD’s about something important, about something really big, whose word would you trust?_

But it wasn’t his word against anyone’s. Tony hadn’t said anything. Hadn’t explained himself. All she had was Fury’s word, and a pretty convincing picture.

But that wasn’t true. He had said one thing, that she kept coming back to.

_I swear to you, Natasha, that I have a very, very good reason. The best reason. And if you find out and still want to hear it, I will tell you._

She groaned quietly to herself, and took out her phone. She pressed the second number on speed dial.

“Hello?”

“What have you heard?” She asked, without preamble.

“What? What have I heard about what?” He sounded genuinely confused.

“Fantastic.” She said. “Steve, do you trust me?”

“Of course.” He said. He was almost offended, which made her smile.

“I need you to do some things for me. They are vitally important. But I need you to trust me, even when it gets insane.”

“What is it?” Steve asked.

“Where are you?”

A pause. “I just got on a bus, headed for SHIELD.”

“Alright. Get off the bus and run back to the tower.”

“Just a minute.” He said. There was the scratchy sound of holding the phone against his shirt. She waited a few minutes, and then he came back.

“I’m at the tower.” He said.

“Good. Go to Tony’s lab.”

“I’m not allowed in Tony’s-“

“Steve. We haven’t reached the insane parts yet, this is not the time to question me.”

He sighed, but she heard elevator music in the background. Another short wait. Then the muttering, grumbling sound of a crowd.

“Natasha.” He said, alarmed.

“What? What is it?”

“There’s a bunch of SHIELD agents standing around the door to Tony’s lab. They’re really well armed.”

“Ignore them.” Natasha said. “You need to get in the door and close it behind you without letting them through.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes. Go.”

She heard a few distant “excuse me, sorry, pardon”’s before Steve spoke to her again.

“There’s a password lock.” He said.

She squeezed her eyes tight shut, trying to think. What would he use as a password? Assuming he wanted her to get in...

She opened her eyes. She uttered the name of her favorite vodka.

“Spell it?” Steve asked.

She did so.

There was a single grunt of alarm from someone who was not Steve, and then silence. The sound of the crowd was gone.

“It worked.” Steve said. “Now what?”

“What does it look like?”

“There’s a bunch of hallways.” He said.

“Crap. Just...start following one, and see where it goes. You’re trying to find Banner.”

“Alright.” Steve said. She could hear him walking.

“I think I hear voices.” He said, after a few minutes. The walking got faster.

“What-” He cut off.

Not good, not good. He sounded very alarmed.

“Steve?”

Radio silence.

“Steve, talk to me.” She urged.

“I found Banner.” He said flatly. “And Loki’s here as well. In the tower. Where we live.”

Natasha closed her eyes, and braced herself mentally.

 


	12. Bruce Banner doesn't get to talk on the phone much.

“Banner.”

“Banner.”

“Banner.”

Bruce grunted and tried to pull the pillow over his head. It was probably just Tony, trying to bug him with some inane question...

“BANNER!”

He jerked awake, and nearly fell out of bed in the process. He scrambled up, staring through the dim light at the tall figure standing right next to him.

“What the holy hell are you doing in my room?” He demanded, as his breathing normalized. Loki was standing uncomfortably close, just staring at him without blinking. “Jesus—fuck.”

“Stark is gone.” Loki said loudly.

Bruce rubbed his eyes. “Gone? What do you mean, gone?”

“He was taken from his bed by SHIELD agents 10 minutes ago.”

“What? What time is it?” Bruce looked over at his clock, but it was blinking midnight at him over and over. He looked up. “Jarvis, what time is it?”

Nothing happened.

“Jarvis, lights.” Bruce said, feeling a deep and unsettling unease wash over him.

“The machine is not functional.” Loki said. “The entire tower has been affected by some type of anti-electrical attack.”

“Okay.” Bruce said. “Okay, give me, just, give me a second.” He massaged his forehead and got out of bed. He threw on some pants and turned to face Loki.

“Go through it again, in order.” Bruce said.

“I awoke to find that the electrical systems had all shut down.” Loki said. “As all of the doors in the lab are wired to the electrical systems, I could not leave my room. I projected my—I used magic to look around.” He amended quickly. “A helicopter landed on the roof, grabbed Stark, and left. That was about 14 minutes ago.”

“If the doors wouldn’t open, how did you get up here?” Bruce asked.

“I didn’t.” Loki said, wearily. He stuck his hand straight through Bruce’s lamp, like a ghost.

“Magic.” Bruce groaned. “Okay. So, we need to get Tony back?”

“That would be my first thought, yes.” Loki said flatly.

“Right.” Bruce grabbed a shirt and made for the door. He didn’t know how he was going to get into the labs, but he could figure that out when he got there.

He was halfway down the first flight of stairs when the lights flicked back on.

“Error.” Jarvis said, urgently. “Sudden overload, loss of consciousness. Checking systems.”

Bruce sighed in relief and continued hurrying on towards the labs.

“Tests inconclusive.” Jarvis said after a moment. “Doctor Banner, request information: whereabouts of Master Stark?”

“SHIELD took him.” Bruce said. “Jarvis, are you alright?”

The computer was silent for a moment.

“Emergency settings operational.” Jarvis said finally. “Reduced functionality traded for tighter security. Request clarification: ‘SHIELD took him’.”

“A SHIELD helicopter landed on the roof.” Bruce turned to the doorway of the labs to see Loki impatiently addressing the ceiling. “They took him from his bed and made away with them. Machine, tell me where SHIELD base is.”

“Searching...” Jarvis said. “Please wait.”

When it became clear that Jarvis was going to take a while, Bruce and Loki went back inside the labs. Bruce sat down at a console, and Loki just paced and tapped his fingers against his leg impatiently.

“Location unknown.” Jarvis said.

“What.” Loki said darkly.

“Records indicate that I have never received any form of address or direction to the SHIELD New York base of operations.”

“Don’t be ridiculous.” Bruce said. “Clint and Natasha work there. Steve _lived_ there!”

“Neither they nor Master Stark ever supplied the information, and it is absent from the SHIELD files that I am currently accessing.” Jarvis said.

“Check again.” Loki demanded.

“Very well.” Jarvis said. He was beginning to sound more like himself.

After a moment, he said, “I’m afraid I have only confirmed the predicament.” He said. “There is no mention of anything which could be the location of the SHIELD base. I have, however, found a file on Master Stark’s arrest. Would you like it displayed?”

“Yes.” Loki and Bruce said together, immediately.

It opened on Bruce’s computer.

_Anthony Edward Stark was taken into custody at 7:12 AM on September 29 th, for aiding and abetting a war criminal (Loki Odinson.) Photographic evidence has been compiled by Agent [ **REDACTED** ]. These photos have been classified by Director Fury. Though they both were suspects, Senior Agent Natasha Romanoff and Senior Agent Clint Barton have been cleared of all involvement._

_Status of Stark: On route to SHIELD NY Headquarters, for interrogation._

_Other actions taken at this time: Natasha Romanoff and Clint Barton summoned to SHIELD NY Headquarters for assistance as needed. Warrant out for the arrest of Bruce Banner. Warrant out for the arrest of Virginia Potts. SHIELD Specs Team 12-A sent to investigate Tony’s labs, placed on high alert in case Loki remains at large there._

They groaned simultaneously in horrified exasperation.

“It may be of interest to note,” Jarvis began delicately, “that a very well armed group of men wearing the SHIELD insignia have begun to make their way up the stairs.”

Bruce buried his face in his hands.

***

“Doctor Banner?”

Bruce looked up from the frantic searching of their data— _how was it so easy for Tony to do this, he was flailing—_ and answered tensely. “What?”

“The file on Master Stark’s arrest now has a video attachment labeled interrogation footage. Would you like to view it?”

“Yes.” Loki snapped.

Jarvis pulled it up on the monitor again.

Tony was sitting with his head held high, staring straight ahead. He looked bruised, but alert and conscious, which was good. His hands were handcuffed to a metal table.

The door opened. Fury entered the room.

“What the hell have you got to say for yourself?” Fury growled.

“1966, Miranda versus Arizona, Supreme Court ruling.” Tony began. “The person in custody must, prior to interrogation, be clearly informed that he or she has the right to remain silent, and that anything the person says will be used against that person in court. The person must be clearly informed that-”

“Stark.” Fury said loudly.

Tony only raised his voice. “He or she has the right to consult with an attorney and to have that attorney present during the questioning, and that-“

“STARK.” Fury shouted.

“IF HE OR SHE IS INDIGENT, AN ATTOURNEY WILL BE PROVIDED AT NO COST TO HIM OR HER.” Tony finished, just as loudly.

Fury slapped a picture down on the table. It was hard to see from the angle of the camera, but Loki swore loudly. Bruce glanced at him.

“I saved his ass during the last battle.” Loki said darkly. “Someone caught it.”

“Well?” Fury asked.

Tony firmly shut his mouth, and just looked at Fury, meeting his gaze without fear.

What followed was a terrible 20 minutes of Fury ranting and demanded answers, while Tony just looked on in cool silence. Finally, Fury threw him a disgusted look and stormed out.

The screen cut to black, then returned. Tony was looking at his hands. He looked irritated, but he was still calm and collected.

The door opened again. But it wasn’t Fury this time.

“Natasha, no.” Bruce told the screen, numbly horrified.

Natasha looked over at her fellow Avenger, showing no emotion beyond polite professionalism.

“Mister Stark.” She said.

He nodded at her. She sat down.

There was a moment’s pause as she looked him over.

“Would you like to explain yourself?” She asked calmly.

He turned his head to look at the wall Bruce suspected was a double-sided mirror, then back at Natasha. That was answer enough.

“If you can say it to me, you can say it to Fury.” She said.

He nearly laughed at that, looking at her disparagingly.

“That’s not funny.” She said sharply.

He shook his head.

She frowned at him, and crossed her arms.

“You knew that SHIELD was going to catch you, didn’t you?” She asked.

He sighed.

“And you have nothing? No grand explanations, no talking your way out of this?”

He didn’t say anything.

“Mister Stark.” She said, slowly, precisely. “Tony. SHIELD is a very powerful organization. It does not use enhanced interrogation techniques lightly, but this crime is of such a serious nature—“

He slammed his fist down on the table, very suddenly. Bruce jumped, and on screen, Natasha jumped a little as well. That was not good.

After a moment to recover herself, she continued. “Of such a serious nature that SHIELD may have no other options. I understand that this issue is time sensitive. You do not have the luxury of waiting until you’re good and ready.”

Loki muttered angrily under his breath. “ _You’ve_ got deadlines.”

Tony said nothing.

Natasha was getting more impatient. “This isn’t a joke, Stark. This isn’t playtime. You were harboring a war criminal, and if you at least admit that, and answer for it, there might be some kind of leeway. You could buy yourself some breathing room.”

“Natasha, no.” Bruce said weakly, as he watched his ally lean in and hiss accusations at his best friend.

Tony said nothing at all.

“What on Earth could be worth this?” She demanded.

But Tony, of course, didn’t answer.

“Just tell her!” Bruce shouted. He felt the Hulk nudge sleepily in the back of his mind.

Natasha got up. “This is a waste of time.” She snapped. She turned on her heel and left the room.

The video stopped.

Bruce wanted to scream. He resisted the urge to punch something. He turned to Loki.

“We can still do the work without him, right?” He asked.

Loki looked at him like he was insane. “Are you kidding?” He asked. “Of course not. Not if we had ten years and infinite resources. Why do you think I spent so much effort keeping him alive?”

“Doctor Banner?” Jarvis said tentatively from above. “I realize that now might not be the best time, but the SHIELD team is set up just outside the lab doors, and they have just now begun to try to pick the lock.”

“But they can’t get in, right?” Bruce asked, alarmed.

“No, sir.” Jarvis said. “The only people who can access the labs are yourself, Master Stark, Loki, and Agent Romanoff.”

Bruce began banging his head against the table.

***

“But what if we created another wormhole just across from it, so they all went in one and out the other?”

“No.” Loki said.

“What if we set up some kind of force field that kept them from-“

“No.” Loki said.

“Will you let me finish?”

“These are all ideas Stark had weeks ago!” Loki snarled. “Jarvis, have you got anything?”

“No, sir. I still have nothing to assist in the location of Master Stark.”

“What if we asked Steve?” Bruce suggested.

Loki stared at him. “ _No._ ” He said. “Go back to trying to save the world.”

Bruce turned back to his monitor. “You could try looking for him with magic.” He muttered.

“He is a magic black hole.” Loki argued. “He’s too good at blocking out his own signal. I think it’s the second thing he learned, after that stupid flame.”

“But won’t he have turned if off if he wants us to find him?”

“It’s hard to turn it off.” Loki said. “I said, go back to saving the world, Beast.”

“Oh, fuck you.” Bruce said.

Loki began to respond, but Jarvis interrupted. “Sirs.” He said. “I believe I should warn you that Captain Rogers is on his way to your location.”

“But he can’t get past the password, right, Jarvis?” Bruce said.

That’s when Steve opened the door.

“What-“

He looked shocked. His phone dropped from his mouth to his side. His mouth dropped open. He started at Loki, then looked at Bruce. The shock turned to something like betrayal.

“Steve.” Bruce said, backing away slowly. “I can...I can explain. I, uh...”

Steve’s phone made a loud murmurring noise. Someone was on the other end. Slowly, very slowly, he raised it back up to his face. His expression smoothed out into flat displeasure.

“I found Banner.” He said, emotionlessly. “And Loki’s here as well. In the tower. Where we live.”

Loki was just standing there, stock still, frozen. His eyes darted from Bruce to Steve to the exits of the room.

Steve’s temper flared suddenly. “You _knew?_ ” He asked the phone, angrily. “And you couldn’t have mentioned it on the bus? Or in the lobby? Or at any point before _this?_ ”

Whatever the answer was, he didn’t like it.

“ _Natasha._ ”

“Oh, god.” Bruce said under his breath. This could not possibly get worse.

“I’m sorry, say that again.” Steve said. “Tony has been _what?_ ”

No, oops, it could.

“Yes. No. I will not— _no._ How could you even ask that of me?”

Bruce closed his eyes and hoped for a large rock to fall out of the sky and crush him to death before something worse happened.

“Of course I trust you, I just...okay. Fine. Yeah, fine. A few hours in and I can already tell what my day is going to be like. Fine.”

 He took the phone away from his ear, took a deep breath, and held it out to Loki.

Loki just looked at it, like a startled cat.

“She wants to talk to you.” Steve said, through a tired scowl.

Loki slowly took the phone from him, and raised it to his ear.

“Hello?” He asked, uncertainly.

A pause. “Miss Romanoff.”

“...Yes.”

Loki glanced at Bruce. “Around six or seven days.”

 “Trying to stop it, of course.”

An exasperated look. “Well, I happen to be _on_ this world, and I value my own life very highly.”

Calmer, now, more restrained. “It would help if we knew anything about it, like the address.”

He rolled his eyes and nearly groaned. “No, I do not get the blame for that, he taught himself. I didn’t even think humans could learn it until he started showing it off.”

 “Yes. Why?”

He glanced at Bruce again. “Absolutely not. We were merely assistants, he was the only real hope of solving anything.”

“...Tell me, what is the purpose of this line of questioning?”

“Oh? What, do you want me to beg?”

“Of course I would. If I let my ego get in the way of my continued survival I would be more insane than Stark seems to be.”

“Don’t be ridiculous, I believe that might actually kill me. I don’t want to find out.”

“Fine.”

He handed the phone back to Steve, who took it with some concern. He put it up to his own ear.

“Yeah?”

A pause. His face dropped into exhausted suspicion. “You’re going to make me a criminal, aren’t you?”

“...Would you be resigning today, by any chance?”

“And Clint?”

“So, I don’t have to worry about Fury’s opinion on all this?”

“Wonderful. Thank you, Natasha, for this wonderful opportunity to undo everything I stand for.”

“Yes, I’ll do it.”

“Goodbye. I had better see you there.”

He hung up the phone with a snap, and put it away. He looked lost.

“Are you alright?” Bruce asked, tentatively.

“Yes.” Steve said. “Well, out of the five members of my team, one of them is on vacation for being a xenophobe, one of them is out of action, one of them has been _arrested_ , one of them is helping a mass murderer, and the other is trying to convince me to help a mass murderer. But other than that, yes, I’m just fantastic.”

Bruce shied back on instinct. “Sorry.” He said.

Steve looked guilty. “No, I’m sorry.” He said. “I just feel like this has been a long day already, and it’s not even noon yet.”

He scratched his neck and sighed.

 “So.” He said. “I’m supposed to drive the two of you to SHIELD headquarters.”

They both perked up instantly.

“Really?” Bruce asked.

“I’m just doing what Natasha asked me to do.” Steve said. “Also, racking my brains for a better rationalization than ‘just following orders’.”

“Don’t worry, Captain.” Loki said, with a wan smile. “You’re helping save the world.”

Steve rubbed his forehead. “And don’t I feel comforted hearing it from you.” He said. 

 


	13. Steve Rogers stands with his team.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I saw Iron Man 3 today. 
> 
> You should go see Iron Man 3.

“I can’t believe you.” Bruce said.

“I’m just saying, it’s not a toy!” Steve argued. “It’s for emergencies.”

“Would you rather I had killed them all?” Loki asked from the backseat.

“No.” Steve said. “But there were nonviolent ways to get them out of there without pulling the fire alarm.”

“Well, you should have mentioned those before we did it.” Bruce said unapologetically. “There must have been 20 agents out there, the only other things I could think of involved bloodshed. They’re lucky they only got a little wet.”

“A little wet.” Steve repeated. “The ceiling sprouted fire hoses and blasted them with water while they ran for cover.”

“Tony is really paranoid about fire safety.” Bruce said. “Have you met Dummy yet?”

“Who?” Steve asked, frowning at the nickname.

Bruce smiled. “It’s a robot, Steve.” He said. “His first job is to travel around with a fire extinguisher and spray Tony at random moments. Just in case he spontaneously combusts.”

“I honestly can’t tell if you’re kidding sometimes.” Steve complained.

“I consider that a success.” Bruce said. “You know, I only fake proposed to mess with you.”

“Yeah, I figured that out.” Steve said, annoyed. “Why _that_ , of all things?”

“It’s just a running thing that we do.” Bruce said. “It relieves tension. I’m not actually gay. Although, I have no idea about Tony. I think I caught him admiring Clint’s ass once.”

Steve looked at him briefly, then back at the road.

“I honestly can’t tell if you’re kidding sometimes.” He repeated.

“I would never kid about Clint’s ass.” Bruce said solemnly.

Steve tried not to laugh, and failed. Bruce smiled.

* * *

 

“We’re here.” Steve said, unnecessarily, as they pulled up to the big black building. He stopped at the gate and rolled down his window.

“Steve Rogers, ma’am.” He said, flashing her a smile and his ID badge.

“Go right in.” She said, smiling back. She lifted the gate.

He pulled into the parking garage and found a spot. He turned the car off.

“Alright.” He said. “Now I need to find Natasha.”

“She’s right there.” Bruce said, pointing at the right wall. And so she was.

Steve quickly got out of the car and went to her.

“Are you going to explain, then?” He asked her.

“Honestly, Captain, I don’t know very much myself.” Natasha said. “I’m trying this new ‘trusting people’ thing. I have to say, I’m not liking it so far. But supposedly the world’s going to end unless Tony gets back to work on making the world not end. And he’s the only one who can do it. Funny how that all works out.”

“Funny.” Steve repeated.

“Anyway, here’s the plan.” She said. “The two people in your car are wanted criminals right now, and SHIELD wants them arrested. So pick one of them and I’ll help you bring them in. That gives you an excuse to be there, and it gets someone on the inside to help us break out. Then we go to Tony’s cell and kidnap him, reconvene with whoever drew the short straw, and escape the building. The person we leave in the car is the getaway driver. Oh, and I’ll need about five minutes before we leave.”

“For what?” Steve asked.

“Formally handing in my resignation.” She said solemnly. “No, don’t laugh. It’ll distract Fury.”

“Fine, fine.” Steve said. “So who are we bringing in?”

“I volunteer.”

Steve turned around and glared at Loki, who had gotten right behind him.

Loki shrugged. “I do not have experience operating human motor vehicles, so Banner must be the driver.”

“Okay.” Natasha said. “Fine. But I don’t trust you at _all_ , understand?”

“Loud and clear, Miss Romanoff.” Loki said, unconcerned.

* * *

 

Fury actually smiled. “Good work, Rogers.” He said.

“Thank you, sir.” Steve said.

“Good to know some of you are still on our side.” Fury said. _That_ made Steve want to scowl, but he controlled it.

“Director, I’d like to talk to Tony.” He said. “I think I can get him to talk. He trusts me.”

The smile faded. “He’s not the man you think he is.” Fury warned him. “Stark lies his ass off with no conscience. He even fooled me for a while.”

“At least let me try.” Steve said.

“Alright. You can have 20 minutes with him.” Fury said. “Come with me.”

Steve followed him to the cell block. There was one cell with several armed guards outside it, and that was the one Fury pointed him to.

He smiled and nodded to the guards. One of them just stared at him coldly, but the rest acknowledged him by nodding back. One young man grinned and mouthed “Hi”.

Steve entered the cell. He glanced at the ceiling and saw to his surprise that there were no cameras. He turned back to Director Fury, who said, “With his history, we’re not putting a damned potato clock in the same room with him.”

“Ah.” Steve said. Fury nodded to him, and closed the door. It locked behind him.

Tony was lying on a cot, in what resembled a prison jumpsuit. He was awake, but staring determinately up at the ceiling. There were handcuffs on his wrists.

“Hey.” Steve said.

Tony didn’t say anything.

“Really? You won’t even say hello to me?”

“Hello.” Tony said sullenly.

“What, are you being quiet?” Steve asked, smiling. “Tony Stark, not in the mood to talk?”

Tony finally looked up at him, glaring.

“1966, Miranda versus Arizona, Supreme Court ruling. The person in custody must, prior to interrogation, be clearly informed that he or she has the right to remain silent.”

Well, that answered it.

“I’m not here to interrogate you.” Steve said.

“Why are you here, then?” Tony asked. He sat up on the cot, looking at Steve suspiciously.

Steve tried to think of the fastest way to explain. He reached out and pinched the middle link of Tony’s handcuffs, until it snapped and Tony’s hands were free.

“Oops.” He said seriously. “I seem to have broken your handcuffs. Let’s wait exactly four and a half minutes for Natasha to text me and then go back to the tower to fix them.”

The look of shock on Tony’s face was something that Steve would treasure forever.

“Are you helping me break out of prison?” Tony asked.

“Don’t be ridiculous.” Steve said. He checked his watch. “Natasha and Loki are helping you break out of prison. I’m just here to smile at the guards and get past checkpoints.”

“You...why?” Tony asked.

“Because you’re on my team.” Steve said.

“But I broke the law, and now you’re going to be an accomplice to a felony.” Tony said, numbly.

“You’re on my team. Why are we still talking about this?” Steve asked.

Tony choked on a laugh. “Have you seen Firefly?”

“I’ve seen a bunch of them.” Steve said.

“No, it’s a TV show. Doesn’t matter. When this is over, we’re watching Firefly.”

“Alright.” Steve said. He checked his watch again. “Thirty seconds.”

“I’m early.” Loki said.

Steve turned around. Loki was leaning against the wall, wearing a self-satisfied grin.

“You didn’t kill anyone, did you?” Steve asked.

“I managed to restrain myself, Captain.” He walked over to Tony, studied him for a moment, and backhanded him across the face.

“Jesus!” Tony said, shoving him away. “You fucking asshole!”

“I told you not to get arrested.” Loki said. “I distinctly remember telling you NOT to get arrested.”

“I didn’t think it would be a fun way to spend an afternoon.” Tony grumbled, sounding hurt. “Jarvis should have stopped them.”

“The machine ceased functioning from five minutes before to twenty minutes after you left.” Loki said. “When it did come back online, it had no information relevant to finding you. Those are two rather egregious design flaws, Stark.”

“They shut off Jarvis?” Tony asked. For a moment, he looked horrified, and then he looked furious. “Those motherfuckers shut off Jarvis?”

Steve’s phone beeped. He looked down at it. It was Natasha.

_Entering Fury’s office now._

“We need to go.” He said quickly.

Loki sighed, and offered Tony a hand. Tony got up off the bed. In his place, Loki created what must have been a hologram. Steve had seen Tony use holograms before. But this one looked solid, and it looked exactly like Tony.

Loki then turned to Tony, and grabbed his hair. Tony tried to shove him away again, but Loki said, “Don’t make this harder, Stark, I _can_ make it painful if I choose.”

Tony folded his arms, as he began fading from view. When he was invisible, Loki did the same to himself.

“After you, Captain.” The voice was Loki’s, but it came from thin air. Steve took a deep breath, steeling himself, and straightened up, putting on his best military airs. He opened the door, and calmly walked out, nodding to the guards. He adopted a troubled frown, like he hadn’t been successful.

He trusted the other two to follow behind him. He led them swiftly to the doors, walking just slow enough that it wasn’t suspicious. There was no trouble until the doors.

The scanners let him through fine. But two seconds after, they went crazy.

“Sir, excuse me, sir!” Someone called. Guards started walking towards him.

He bolted for it. He pressed the handicapped door button and shoved it so that it opened faster. It stayed open for several seconds, long enough for the others to follow behind him.

The car was still running, with Bruce in the driver’s seat. Steve slid into the back. Two doors slammed shut, and then Loki and Tony reappeared, Tony in shotgun and Loki right next to him.

“Come on, Natasha.” Bruce said nervously, checking his watch. Guards had started to come out of the building. Then, something dropped onto the top of their car. Bruce and Tony jumped.

Natasha swung inside through the open window , landing neatly on the other side of Steve.

“Go.” She commanded.

* * *

 

Five minutes before they arrived, with a trail of police cars and SHIELD agents behind them, Tony took out his phone and called Jarvis.

“Hey, Jarvis, activate Protocol X21 for me, would you?”

When they got to the tower, it was surrounded by a crowd of people. Steve realized that they all worked in the tower—Tony must have evacuated somehow.

“Honk and drive through the lobby.” Tony said.

“What?” Bruce demanded.

“It’s my car and my building, just do it!” Tony shouted.

Bruce held down the horn, and twisted the car off the road and onto the sidewalk. People ran out of the way, and it smashed through the doors and into the lobby.

As soon as they were inside, giant steel grates closed over the front of the building, covering the doors, the windows, and the giant hole they had made.

“Sir,” Jarvis began.

“Not the time, J.” Tony said. “Labs. You two, come on.” He pointed at Bruce and Loki, and turned to the elevator.

“No.” Natasha said, grabbing his wrist and spinning him around. “You promised to explain, and you’re going to explain _now_.”

Tony looked conflicted. “I...I need...”

“Now.” She repeated, clenching her hand on his wrist.

“Okay.” Tony said. “Okay, alright, but I need a drink.”

The elevator ride to the penthouse bar was the most awkward, uncomfortable ride Steve had ever experienced.

It did not get better when the doors opened, and Clint was there, with an arrow notched and aimed at Loki.

“Hello.” He said, deceptively calm. “Fancy seeing you all here.”

Natasha took a step forward, but he glared at her. She folded her arms.

“Jarvis.” Tony said quietly. “Is this what you were trying to warn us about?”

“No, sir.” Jarvis said. “I was trying to warn you about the blonde god who has just landed on the roof of the tower.”

Loki closed his eyes and let his head fall back with a thump against the elevator wall.

 

 

 


	14. Loki Lie-smith is an only child with between zero and one brothers. It's complicated?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story didn't even have a plot until Chapter 9 and none of you realized it, so I've got my fingers crossed that none of you have realized how bad I am at updating. 
> 
> Hahaha, shit. 
> 
> Nobody look at the abandoned graveyard of fic that is my "Works" page.

If Loki had lived through a longer day, he could not remember it as he stood in the middle of Stark’s penthouse.

He was between the proverbial rock and a hard place, between the man he had forced to want him dead and the man who could do worse than kill him without even meaning to, just by doing what he thought was right and locking him up.

And even without them, there were only 7 days left before the world met its end.

“Man of Iron!” Thor bellowed, as he stepped inside. “Fury has informed me that you have indeed been consorting with my brother!”

“Jesus, you make it sound like I’ve been sleeping with him.” Tony said. “I haven’t been sleeping with him, if that was a point of confusion to anyone. No offense, but ew.”

“The sentiment is returned in full, human.” Loki said numbly. He was still trying to think of anything to do or say. It was becoming a struggle not to just give up and let Barton shoot him.

“You and I are going back to Asgard.” Thor growled, pointing at Loki.

“No.” Loki said. He shook his head to relieve the fog. “I can’t.”

“You cannot escape Asgardian justice.” Thor said. “This time, we will not be so lax in securing you.”

“You don’t understand.” Loki said. “Listen to me, this is not about answering for or escaping my crimes, there are things-“

“I will not be fooled by your lies again, brother.” Thor said. “I will take you by force if I must.”

Loki felt the intimately familiar frustration of trying to be heard. “Listen to me!” He said. “Please, just listen for once in your life!”

“I have heard enough.” Thor said stubbornly.

“Am I your brother or not?” Loki asked loudly, stamping his foot in anger.

“You claim you are not.” Thor said.

“But am I?” Loki asked him. “Because you cannot have it both ways. Either I am not your brother, and you have no responsibility to listen to me, and no jurisdiction over me, in which case Barton should just shoot me now. Or you are my brother, you want me to see actual justice, and you will _listen_ to me because I am _begging you to listen to me._ ”

Thor seemed halted by this. His eyes narrowed in thought, as he studied Loki. He was trying to find an answer.

Loki realized that he took Thor’s steadfast insistence of family for granted. Even as irritating and infuriating as it was at times, he felt actually sick at the thought that Thor might finally have given up on him.

He resolved that, no matter what, he would never admit this out loud.

“Please let me kill him.” Clint Barton said, almost whining.

“No.” Captain Rogers said sharply.

“If it’s death or Asgard, I vote let him kill me.” Loki said.

“Oh.” Clint said. He immediately dropped his bow. “Well, never fucking mind then.”

“What?” Steve asked.

“I’m not doing anything he wants me to do.” Clint said.

“Oh, for fuck’s sake.” Tony said, putting a hand to his head.

“I’d still do it.” Natasha said neutrally, raising her hand. “I could go either way.”

“No.” Thor said, finally speaking. “There will be no killing here.”

 Loki did not catch the sigh of relief in time to stop it escaping. Thor’s eyes widened slightly, but he continued.

“Speak quickly, and know that I do not trust implicitly.” Thor said.

“Alright, better.” Loki said. “When I fell—do not look at me like that. When I fell from the rainbow bridge, I fell into the hands of a monster. He left me alive only in exchange for a task he needed done, which I failed. He will track me down wherever I go, and he will destroy whatever is in the way, or nearby.

“This planet is already marked for destruction by his hand for other reasons; it is impossible to condemn it any more than it already is. It is the only place I would not condemn just by standing on it. It also happens to hold a few people who could feasibly stop the destruction.

“If you look for selfish reasons, Earth is my best chance of avoiding death, or a fate worse than death. If you would believe a more noble one, I would not go to Asgard with the knowledge that my simply being there writes its death sentence.”

Loki folded his arms and waited.

Thor was visibly surprised, but steadied himself. “And are there any here who can verify this story?” He asked.

“Uh, pick me, pick me.” Tony said, waving his hand around. “I ran the math, those portals are going to keep getting larger until an army much bigger than the last one comes out, and there is going to be such an army. I don’t know anything about space Voldemort, but Earth is totally fucked until further notice.”

“I’d like to add something.” Bruce said. “He’s been here two months, and he hasn’t killed anyone. At the beginning, he was too weak to teleport, and for the past month he hasn’t been doing it because it speeds up the wormholes. He’s been mostly stuck in the tower, and nobody’s died. The worst thing he’s done is teach Tony how to-“

“Would you stop blaming that on me?” Loki snapped loudly.

Thor frowned deeply. “What have you done?” He demanded.

“Come on, don’t be modest.” Tony said, grinning. “You taught me how to do this.”

He did his stupid flame trick.

“I did not!” Loki said, heatedly. “I told you to be more patient and expected nothing to come of it! Because humans cannot, _should not_ be able to do that!”

“Alright, that’s sort of true.” Tony said. “It’s just funny seeing you get upset over it.”

Loki gave a little humph of displeasure and turned back to Thor.

 Thor was staring at Tony, astonished.

“That is magic.” He said slowly.

“Thank you, Captain Obvious.” Tony said. “I can do pictures too, you want to see?”

He made a strange flickering blue hologram appear on his hand. It was of an unfamiliar woman, with buns in her hair on either side of her head. Loki frowned at it.

“What,” He began, but Captain Rogers exclaimed, “Tony, you are not R2-D2!”

The picture disappeared as Tony gaped.

“Steve, you know Star Wars?”

“Oh, for god’s sake, I watched it in that chair, there.” Captain Rogers said, pointing at the living room. “You were sitting right next to me the whole time.”

“Oh yeah.” Tony said. “Right, so could we get this conversation back on something resembling a topic? Because I need to go stop the end of the world, and I’d like to know if my assistant is being taken to his death or not.”

“Yes.” Clint said.

“No.” Thor said.

“Fuck you, yes.” Clint said. He raised his bow again.

Thor raised his hammer.

“Friend Barton, I understand your distress.” Thor said. “You have been wronged. But I will not allow you to dispatch my brother at this time.”

“At this time?” Loki repeated, but no one was paying him the slightest attention anymore.

“Let’s all just calm down.” Tony said.

“No, fuck you, too!” Clint shouted. “You brought him here in the first place, you fucking traitor! Have you all gone insane? Am I the only one who remembers what happened? _He tried to take over the world, he sicced aliens on New York, and he fucking killed Coulson._ ”

He aimed an arrow at Loki. Loki stepped back a little, trying to figure out if he could go for cover without looking like that’s what he was doing. Deep inside his head, he was trying to repress all the dangerous thoughts threatening to creep up. Thoughts like _oh hell, if he doesn’t stop talking they’ll realize that he’s right._

Thor raised his hammer and stepped between them. “Threaten him again and it will be the last thing you do.” He growled.

“No.” Tony said, and suddenly he sounded deadly quiet, like the eye of a hurricane. “Thor, if you so much as touch him, or anyone else in this room, I will take that hammer away and break your skull with it.”

“What?” Clint asked sharply, glancing over for a brief moment before catching himself and keeping his eyes on Thor. 

Tony continued addressing Thor. “You tried to kill me when you first met me, and then you tried to kill Steve only a few minutes later. You express more blind rage than the Hulk. Clint can fucking stop himself, that’s why he’s a sniper, that’s why he hasn’t let off an arrow yet even though I’m pretty sure that’s all he asked for for Christmas. But you can’t. So stop now, before I have to stop you.”

“He will kill Loki.” Thor protested, directing his anger at Tony now.

“Yeah, maybe.” Tony said. “But since Clint is a reasonable person, and not a brick wall made of testosterone and immaturity, we could try maybe talking to him.”

He turned to Clint in a big, exaggerated motion.

“Clint, I understand that you’re furious with me, and I did fuck up pretty big. But the world is ending in 7 days. Can you just wait 7 days? Either we’ll stop it, and we can figure out what to do when we don’t have a ticking clock, or we won’t, and he’ll die a horrible death like you want. Okay? Just a week. You can come down to my lab and keep watch if you want, to make sure it’s above board.”

Clint closed his eyes, and took a deep breath. He let it out through his teeth.

“Seven days.” He repeated.

“A little less, even.” Tony said. “Please, Barton. As much as I would love to set Thor on fire, I don’t want you to be the excuse.”

Clint pulled back on the string a little, and Loki tensed. But Clint sighed, and put the arrow back in his quiver, and lowered the bow.

“Fuck you, Stark.” He mumbled.

“Anytime.” Tony said, with a strained smile.

* * *

 

 The TV broadcast was Captain Rogers’ idea. Loki watched, dubiously, as Tony fiddled with the controls on the camera, before finally jumping in front of it. He smoothed his hair.

“Alright, Jarvis, let’s do this.” He said.

The screen in the next room made a hissing static sound, and then it went quiet.

“People of New York City.” Tony said. There was a reverb as it was repeated in the next room. Tony looked over. “Could you mute that thing? I’m getting an echo.”

He waited a moment, then continued. “People of New York City. This is Tony Stark, your resident genius billionaire and a currently wanted criminal. I say currently because I’m not sure if that’s going to change. It really depends on how far down the rabbit hole this goes. You see, those big holes that aliens fall through? The ones that the Avengers have been fighting? You might have noticed them getting bigger. They are getting bigger. And as it turns out, there’s another army coming, even nastier than the one we fought when we debuted our little boy band of super heroes. Don’t freak  out too soon, you’ve got six days before it gets here. But I would suggest evacuating New York City over the next six days. Just a helpful suggestion. Oh, also, I’d really appreciate if someone could find out for me why the government is hiding this. Because I would really have liked to know about the massive alien invasion _SEVENTEEN GODDAMN MONTHS AGO,_ when they first started suspecting it. I like to have a bit more time to work on prevention, you know? Now the best we can do is wait for it to happen and fight back. Don’t worry, we can do it. We’ve got a game plan, and we know what we’re up against. It’s just a little annoying how far out of the loop we’re being kept. Anyway, I know I’m not the most trustworthy face, so here to repeat everything I just said while looking earnestly into the camera is Captain America.”

Tony walked off screen, and Captain Rogers, resplendent in his costume, stood up and took his place.

“I apologize for taking over the airwaves.” Captain Rogers said, apologetically. “There were no other safe methods to reach this many people. Tony is correct, in six days another army will be coming to New York. Do not panic. Stay calm, and evacuate the city in an orderly manner. You have plenty of time. But this is very important, because I don’t want to have to worry about civilians while I’m fighting the aliens. New York is a great city, full of great people, and I will do all I can to protect it, but you can help make my job a little easier by getting out of harm’s way. Thank you.”

Tony tapped a button on the camera, and it shut off.  

In the other room, Natasha turned the volume back on. Loki walked over to watch.

There were two empty chairs on the screen. In the background, someone said, “What? Are we back on?”

Two harried anchors slid into their seats. The woman gave a small cough and put on a professional and clearly fake smile.

“Hello, I’m Mindy Cohan and this is Brian Landing with FCB news. Just moments ago, a startling message from Stark Tower, which is still surrounded by police after Tony Stark’s unexplained run in with the law. Tony Stark took over the airwaves of our station, and I don’t know how many others, to announce that an invasion is coming in six days. This was then corroborated by Captain America. Stark reported that he believes the government to be concealing information about this, and suggested that citizens of New York evacuate the city. We’ll have more on this story as it progresses.”

“Perfect.” Tony said. “That worked out even better than I expected.”


	15. Tony Stark can't win every time.

New York was empty, and that was ridiculously creepy.

Intellectually, Tony knew why New York City was devoid of life. He had been the one to give the evacuation order. But understanding it didn’t make it less creepy.

He circled the city one more time, then returned to the tower.

“Time?” He asked Loki, who was already on the roof waiting for him.

“Two hours until the scheduled destruction of your planet.” Loki said, tensely.

“I told you, I have a plan.”

“A stupid plan, which will not work.”

‘I thought I told you to stop applying the rules of the universe to me.”

Loki pursed his lips in a grimace. “I’m still here, am I not? I consider the chance of this succeeding to be slightly better than the chances of any other plans I imagined.”

“Thanks.” Tony said, surprised.

“That isn’t saying much.” Loki continued. “One of the plans I imagined was asking him nicely to please not kill us all.”

“Oh.” Tony said. “Well, you’re certainly a buzzkill. Is everyone in the living room?”

Loki nodded wearily. “All except him.” He nodded to Clint, who Tony hadn’t noticed standing off by the wall, staring at Loki.

“Great. Let’s go.” Tony said. He felt a bit silly taking the suit off just to put it back on in an hour, but wearing it inside put Steve and Natasha on edge. He waltzed into the living room and took his seat next to Bruce.

“Everyone’s gone.” Tony said, first. Steve’s shoulders literally sagged in relief.

“Good.” Natasha said. “Your bomb thing, is that ready for action?”

“ _Bomb thing_.” Tony repeated. “Yes, she’s ready. Can we go over the plan again for good luck?”

“Tony, there isn’t a single one of us who can’t recite the plan in their sleep by now.” Steve said patiently. “It’s not a complicated plan.”

“Easy for you to say, you’re not throwing a _bomb thing_ through a portal for the second time.”

“We find the portal, we all fight the Chitauri and create a distraction, you throw the bomb in before it gets too bad.” Steve said. “Okay?”

“It was more complicated than that, you had stuff about where Natasha was going to be and-“

“Tony.” Bruce said, gently. “Shut up and stop thinking before you give yourself a heart attack and doom us all.”

“Okay.” Tony said. He tried to take deep breaths. “Okay, sorry.”

He reached into his pocket and pulled out the gifts he’d made.

“Natasha, Steve, you need actual weapons. These should work really well, they’re flamethrowers. You clip them on your wrist with the little cone pointing out, like this, and jab the button when something needs to get roasted. Clint, you take one too, for when you run out of arrows.”

“Tony.” Clint said. “Just stop.”

“What?” Tony asked.

Clint looked down at the ground. “I’m not going to be in this fight.” He said. “I’m in a wheelchair, for fuck’s sake. I’m 100% liability.”

“Right.” Tony said. “Yes, I’ve got something for that, too.”

“And you saved it for the last minute?” Steve demanded. “He could have trained with us all this week!”

“Well, nobody involved is going to like it.” Tony said. “I anticipated resistance, so it kinda had to be now.”

“No.” Loki said. “I would like to respectfully decline the terrible, intrusive and insulting request you’re about to make of me.”

“You want him to do something to me?” Clint demanded. “Are you fucking insane, or do you just really want to die by arrow?”

“Yeah, that’s pretty much how I saw this going.” Tony said. “I guess we’ll have to live without the extra advantage and increased chances of success that Clint would bring. What a shame, right? But at least he’ll be a fraction more secure in his feeling of non-violation, riiiight up until the world ends. That’s a fair trade.”

“Fuck you, you are not guilting me into letting him back in my head.” Clint snarled.

“That’s not what it is.” Tony said. “He’s not going anywhere near your head.”

“I’m not going anywhere near any part of him.” Loki said loudly. “This is not up for debate, Stark. You’re overstepping what you are allowed to ask of me. Helping you, _once_ , of my own volition, is not the same as helping _him_ against both our wills.”

“Fine.” Tony said. “Do whatever you want.” He sat back down.

They all looked at him, expectantly.

“Steve,” Tony said, turning to Steve. “There’s only one medic in the field. He can patch up a serious wound in an instant, which would let your friend and comrade aid the fight in a critical way. Your comrade and the medic _don’t like each other very much_ , so they both refuse. In this hypothetical scenario, what’s your reaction?”

“It’s more complicated than that.” Steve said.

“Not right now, it’s not.” Tony said. He checked his watch. “We don’t have time for complicated opinions. Do you want Clint to be fighting or not?”

“Tony...”

“Do you want Clint to be fighting or not?”

“It’s not my decision.” Steve said. “It’s Clint’s.”

“Awesome.” Tony said. “Great. I don’t know why I bother.”

But he dropped it.

* * *

 

And then the sky ripped open.

They were all frozen for a moment, looking at it. The wormhole was bigger than any of them had been picturing. It was bigger than it should have been.

“What? No. No, fuck, no, why is it so big? My calculations were-“

Tony realized that he was speaking very loudly. He shut up.

The first ships began coming down. Tony bolted for the door. “Suit!” He shouted at Jarvis, who immediately opened the way to the Iron Man suit. He spun around on the spot and let the robots put the suit on him. All the others were scrambling to their places—except Clint and Loki. Tony saw Clint pull Loki down by his wrist, and hiss something in his ear. He felt a spring of hope.

But there was no time to watch. He took off into the air, the plan ringing in his ears behind the com chatter.

_It won’t close the portal we can’t close the portal there are a few things we can do_

He took an experimental shot at the nearest Chitauri. To his relief, it worked just as well as last time.

_we can try to block it off with something but nothing’s big enough_

He attracted a few more and killed them all off. He started climbing higher, towards the torn section of sky.

_we can try to kill everything on the other side but that’s not feasible_

They were ignoring him, now. Too busy with Thor, who was also flying around up here, picking them off. He felt a tingle of dread in his stomach. What if they knew what he was trying to do but didn’t care? What if it wasn’t going to work?

_what we need is for them to not know how to portal anymore so I’m praying that Loki is right and its not a magic thing_

As he got closer, he had to fight himself not to panic. Flashbacks ran through his mind, unbidden. The endlessness of space. The feeling of weightlessness, of helplessness. The missed call to Pepper. Blacking out and thinking that even his body would never return to earth...

_I throw the “bomb” and it infects every computer system anywhere ever, they lose the ability to make the portals and all the math and know-how too._

He reached the optimum height, detached the bomb from its space in his chest plate, and threw it with all of his mechanics-assisted strength. It went straight, like an arrow, right into the portal.

He counted down. Five. Four. Three. Two. One.

There was a loud boom, and he pumped his fist. Everyone paused for a moment to look.

Nothing happened.

The portal was still there.

“Stark. STARK. TONY.”

He was just hovering there, frozen, staring at the portal. It should have worked. Why wasn’t it working?

“What, Steve?” He croaked.

“Tell me that wasn’t it.” The Captain said. In the background, Tony could hear him fighting--fighting for his life. He had failed. It should have worked. It hadn’t worked.

“That was it.” Tony said.

It hadn’t worked.

Now they were all going to die. All of them. Every person on Earth. His fault.

He felt himself suddenly falling, felt Jarvis hasten to catch him. He had let go of the suit.

“Tony, we need help!”

Help. Hah. Pointless. Useless. Only denying the inevitable, delaying it for a few minutes.

He looked through the portal and saw a ship. He knew what was on that ship. The creature without a name, who scared gods and killed worlds.

He felt like he was going into overload. He was experiencing everything, all at once. Every Chitauri warrior, and his teammates on the ground, and the ship and the portal and every inch of New York City. It was all imprinted in his mind. Everything was going too fast. It hurt. He knew too much and it was burning him inside out, scarring his mind. He jerked away. He let go.

_Just let go of your body. It’s a tool you forgot you were holding._

But that didn’t help. He was floating without the suit, now, looking at the suit from the outside, but everything was still too fast, getting more intense every second. He squeezed his eyes tight shut and screamed, and in the very back of his mind, he felt something. He was holding onto something with all his might. Something was there that he had never noticed before, something he had a death grip on.

He let go, and-

* * *

 

The portal did close. Steve sighed with relief.

“Tony must have fixed it.” He called out. “It’s gone. We only have to deal with the ones that came through.”

There was a whooping, cheers. But they were still fighting, they couldn’t celebrate yet.

After about 20 minutes, somebody asked, “Hey, where is Tony?”

And they fought for another half an hour and somebody asked, “Seriously, where the fuck is Stark?”

And they fought for two more hours and were almost done, and somebody said, “Has anyone seen him, or what? I don’t think he’s been a part of this fight since the portal closed.”

“Did he fall into the portal again?”

“Was anybody near him?”

“Aye, I was near Stark, but I was in battle. I saw only glimpses of him, but it seemed…” Thor hesitated. “It seemed he was in one place one moment and the next he was gone.”

“Are you saying he disappeared?” Steve demanded.

“I cannot swear it, but it seemed so to my eyes.”

The fight was over, and it felt good. It felt damn good. He had saved the world. But the fear of what had happened to Tony was there, marring any positive feelings he had.

They made their way back to the tower, exhausted and hurt. They rode the elevator up to the common floor in silence, all secretly hoping that Tony would be there.

He wasn’t. Instead, there were letters.

* * *

 

**Loki** \--

Hey, do you remember when we were talking about impossible magic, and you said that time travel was one? Does stopping it count? I’m counting it.

Well, I say stopping it. It’s more like falling off of it. There was something in my head carrying me through time, and I let go of it. Problem is, I couldn’t really grab back onto it afterwards. I got stranded in a single moment.

I think I’ve been living this single second for around six months now. It’s hard to count time when time is gone.

Do you remember the other conversation we had, about how I’m selfish? About how I can do selfless things when I don’t have the time to think about them? Well, I guess I’m more selfless than I thought. I’m about to die to close the portal. I’m giving my life for other people. I’ve had the time to think, all the time in the universe. But I’m doing it. How about that.

Do you remember “under duress”?

I don’t think you’re a bad guy. I think you’re fucked up, but we all are, in our own special snowflake ways. Thor’s a brat, Steve’s has nightmares, Bruce can’t get angry, and I’m just batshit insane.

If you want my advice, stay on Earth. Don’t go with Thor back to Asgard. They don’t understand things that aren’t perfection, and they don’t understand why you could want something that wasn’t perfection. That’s boring, and painful, and it will be their downfall someday.

Take care of yourself, Loki Liesmith the frost giant who maybe has a brother.

\--Tony Stark

* * *

 

**Steve** \--

Thanks for taking me up on my offer to live in the tower. It’s nice having you around. You’re much better than I thought you were. You’re more human than I thought you were.

You’re a loyal teammate, a great leader, and a good man.

I’m going off to die to close the portal. I don’t believe in Heaven so much, but hey, we hang out with Thor, so who the hell knows?

All my stuff goes to either the team or Pepper. Don’t sell anything you don’t have to. I want my legacy to stick around for a while. You can buy some nice paintings or whatever if you want. Don’t spend all my money at once, is what I’m saying.

Tell the team that I unironically love them all, especially Bruce. Tell them it was worth it. And if anyone asks what my last words were, say they were “I’m Tony Stark, bitch, and I fucking won at life!”

Tell Clint he has a nice ass.

<3

\--Tony Stark

* * *

 

**Bruce** \--

Wait for me.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I almost named this chapter "Sequel Hook", but that didn't fit with the theme and was kind of a smartass thing to do. 
> 
> I figured I'd waited long enough pissed you all off proper so I might as well end things. 
> 
> I'm considering writing a sequel, but I need to work on school for a while first, so don't get your hopes up for anything soon. ;)
> 
> Thank you to everyone who posted comments on this! I love you all so much. Especially Mel72000, who thanked me for every single chapter. :D You guys are the best.


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